the words of other inspired me

It is 4:30 am .I said a prayer to Jesus asking him a lot of things . I suppose to go for a morning jog ,but last night I had asthama attack. Yesterday , the black dog found me again . I went bersek after viewing photo of my arch rival . I guess it suppose to be .Then I felt OH shit , I am ugly , worthless fat and all those crap came to me.
I start to google about my ex bf . And I found his website and found that he is married and the most funny thing is he stay around my area . I was devastated . I was thinking great , what if I met him a street and he is busily carrying a child ,and in his mind , he would ,” Thank God, I didn’t married her . She had grown into a fat ass . And google her website, it was learn t that she has went mad .”
I start to self pity myself . I had seen all the doctors in Singapore . KK Woman clinic , XXXX, Tan Tock Seng( reflux,asthma )and chinese sinseh at Eu ren Sheng which I don’t want to type it out because who may know someone evil saw this blog website and printed it out and make a blow up of it just to destroy me.
To great quotes "When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going throughNicholas Sparks (Dear John)
Fang was encouraging to me. She seldom would use terms for certain people. And she used it . She make me burst into laughter when it was about to burst into tear at my working place. Then I had a great talk with Louis . He did a lot of thing which amazed me. He took 2 year to get rid of 50Kg . So I found , boy he is patient guy . And suddenly all my fear went away . I don’t where he got the motivation and determination . But he is tough . As I look at his life story , I found that I was about to cry . I was touched . Touched and inspired by his behavior and attitude in life .I thought hello we 2 share a lot of common in terms .We blog about our life . He blog how he quit smoke ,music and weight loss . Mine was depression .I envied his blog because he could write flawless ,for me , I had to withhold myself ,for the fear of my blog would be used as a tool against me . And suddenly whatever was said to me make sense . I am glad I talked to him. That makes me easier for me to figure what to do . My mind was gathered and calmed down by words of these kind nice people . They help me to disassociate the bad things .

SO THEN I was motivated to go for my kickboxing by them .But there my teacher was emphasizing on me .Because I was kick the air and very unable to focus . I was thinking of Louis,oh the words he said . U want to give up now ? Why did you join so many exercise classes ? So now u want to give up ? Then my thoughts drift to what present should I get for my Gemini friends ..Then my teacher keep waving her hands in front of me to get my attention . But I was tired and shaking .

So after kickboxing , once again I indulge in some shopping therapy . I wanted to buy a box of twin box redonzed which is advertised on TV , film by actress who used it slim down easily .I was unwillingly as my budget hit high as I spend on Doctor fees on serveral clinics . And some I cannot claim ,because it would use as instructment against me. So I sms him , and I am so glad that he helped me figure out what is much easier for me to do . Exercise is better or accunptune . We had a great talk .
He kept my mind off greifing moment and my negativity .
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever"
So I decided that I will start a battle plan . Get in control of me .
Maybe get CBT to help myself . Professional Counseling of myself .But that will be difficult as I couldn’t get off as easy as ABC .and professional counseling is not cheap.
Then slowly wean of the anti-depressant . Jay and Louis kept giving me hope that I can be healthy back . I can be back to my old self .Filled with confident and hope.
Keep myself busy with activities I love . volunteering , Marathon , cut down on shopping. Mingle with friends .negative ones say bye bye and bring more positive ones. For eg , I was make a joke of the way I walked in office as awkward lady who had been fucked by people in the past , and that caused me very sensitive when Louis make remarks out of casualness.
Pick Up photography . Register my piano lessons ? Wake up each day to run . Louis could run 10km everyday .So I must do it .Smell the flowers..
Living this life …maybe as fang said the right person haven’t come yet . When he do . We will fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it."
It is 5am . I need to force myself to sleep as I need gather energy for my office work and give all my best . "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common lady with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)