Tat little monster in me and Alf fighting it everyday

I also end up drinking cocktail of beers and drugs . I think I went Gila.
And my poor dog accompany me to my craziness. Good thing is I am still alive.


I Guess I should be satisfied in life. For a minute I must , I should. Lately the dry spells just come into me. I would just collapse at least . But this afternoon I forced myself to go to the gym and had a short run .It was wisely advise to get some exercise system into me because it keep the black dog at bay . SO …..I must …Although I met some people on the way to the office and they give that kind of look . “U always run but never see u slim down .”


Well , within my heart , I felt like yelling back at them ,” TO THE HELL, U don’t know what is it like to be depressed. And nothing would work for me because I am depressed. If I am as healthy as u all , I won’t be wat I am now.I am what I am because of u all…”



Then I thought .Maybe after all , they aren’t talking about me. I am just oversensitive.
Even a simple facebook , brought a lot of depression back to me. I download the photos which I havent download to get the track record of my running rounds. I start to saw..OH ..funny picture. I don’t know what I had done when a recent of black dog attacked me. I brought my lucky along and Poor him .But he was good as he guarded me against bad people.
INTo alot of craziness.....A desire to SPEND ..

Kind Rxxxx said she would accompany for social matchmaking . I asked Alf .And she said No . she want shopping .Alf had been part of my life lately . Totally completely in my life . I can say without her, I would go more insane.She would crack the right jokes at the right time to make me feel better. And she had been tolerant of me. No t many people would understand the sudden break out of emotions inside a depressed soul . And not much people can tolerant our minds as we tend to imagine things a lot .And I remember one friend tell me off indirectly , U are hard to be friend with . I had to learn to be careful .

There is nothing hard beening with us . IT is just a true honest friendship . It is worthmore than learning to be anything. And I guess some people are inbuild in them . Like Alf ,Cin , and blah blah …… I don’t know they always happen to get the right words and right time and it seem to shoo that black evil dog away for a time being.
For a minute , MSN become heaven so it facebook . Facebook become hell ,when u start to google about your ex bf . Why the hell am I doing googling my ex bf? I don’t know . something just got into my head. I am a person who cant live forward, I tend to droole about the past a lot.And poor Alf took hours and hours inmidst of her busy working period to talk some sense into me.hahahahaahahahahhaah..I adoring her. I afraid I get too reliance on her and she got sick of me one day . But I pray that day wont come and my friendship with all my true friend would last a lifetime. I remember the day I wanted to kill myself that was very long time ago , and she sms me . She will transfer money into my bank and I went to Serene house to run refuge. Mind. Thinking back . I am not ALONE . I do have friends.Alf also helped me in my shopping maniac.She stop me from shopping maniac on my blue tuesday . I wanted to buy something from Gmarket..hahahah..she spend time discouraging me.


My kickboxing teacher haunted me, coz I been skipping her classes. I cant understand why I paid for it then I just skipped it . Before I go , I will find thousand of excuses. I am feeling sick. I need a rest .Then I just skipped it .The most encouraging thing is she took the effort to sms me.

I confess to her the black dog had stopped me from doing anything except for going to work and returning home. And when I asked her about matchmaking. She replied .”My dear girl ,just stay away from relationship for now . Don’t go for any matchmaking for now . Adjust yourself rist . You must be confident of yourself first .Dont go for all these matchmaking until you know what your direction for life.”
And lately I am craze into Zippo Lighter. I DON’T SMOKE. But I happen to purchase one from 77th Street and gone into craze and looking into them online . I find that it is cheaper to get it online. Why would Ibuy a lighter?
Maybe in my subscious , I wanted something somehow to light up my life . Coz I feel I am in darkness for a long long period . I really wanted somehow something to show me a light where I can follow. Or light make me think of people seeing light at the end of tunnel and u follow towards it .
It s nice to see that warm sms of hong and yang….Yah It is like telling me , Hello ..Gal , u are still alive , U still can reiceved sms sia.
Poor Yoda spend time to talk me out of it . Yah . I saved money and didn’t but it .
My desire list
“ A cool looking ear piece for iphone.”
A wire trapper to wrap my wire around.
Laozhi book
UNSTRUCK BOOK about depression.
Mindfulness.
Compression clothing . I went to vertical marathon and I was brainwashed to get ace compression clothing at 120 .But I guess.. I shouldn’t think about tat ……
Later should I go aerobics..or should I .? What wrong with me? I wish somebody can tell me.Coz I cant help myself anyway.
Later should I go Kinko and find refuge..But …whatever…shouldn’t u be ….