Walked out of me,addicted to love

She walked out of me suddenly . I guess maybe I was overboard. I had filled with shit and fresh new idea lately . I wanted to get some tattoo done on me like angelia Jodie , and Mr L . That was cool to have a tattoo. I dream of during the eclipse season . I picking up things which I always dreamt of .
Be a fighter . I want to be a millionaire baby .I never tell my parents where I am heading today .But I had a buddy to go with me . She was the buddy where I go for my dates. Having her around would mean I be more secured and she is always very witty and smart . And she also anaylse the date for me.
Sometimes I make her a smoke screen . Why? She is beautiful . If I were to go out with her, and the person who happen to date me wont able to keep their eyes off her. I guess we all know immediately .He is not the one . And at end of day , the guy would either choose to send me or her home first . If the guy cant get his eyes off her. I know I am out .That Where she would said her bf is picking her and me up And we will dicuss about the date on her bf car . Yah . That a jerk ! Just a jerk .
So today she just become someone which I need her to support and give me courage in whatever things I am doing . And if my parents are to find out , she would allow me to go over her house to stay for a few days till my parents cool down . So far , before the night came, I will back home because I felt uneasy sleeping with her. Sometimes I wonder if we are lesbian. Where we slept side by side each other , and talked . I would bitch about how nasty my parents will , She would hug me and advice me in everything.
Once she had a relationship problem , and she hug me real tight and asked,”Gerald, I wish you are a guy. and cried. I got a lot lost because I was thinking is that suppose I had to cut short my hair, bundle my bust up .But after a day , just been beside her, thing will be soon passed and they reunited back.
Sometimes I imagine me and her in Japanese anime ,that kinda of messed up relationship. OH Gosh.
Today , I done a few blunders. And while shopping with her, at dinner, I denied wanting to eat anything except for a salad . She went mad.
“ So U are really into him?” she asked me.
“What Lah ? I am dieting ? What into him and not him?”
“We promised each other that we wont let anything hurt us anymore you forgotten?”
“What does dieting got to do with hurting each other,u siao huh?”
I think she was mad. Then angrily she walked out the restaurant and tell the waiteress that we are not eating .
I freaked out when she get mad. Really freak out . Especially I don’t understand what is happening.
I just followed quietly like a little mouse ,carrying the crazy things I brought . I brought a boxer short with Muay Thai on it and some sports stuff. But as she walked on , I followed behind , I was thirsty . I yelled her to stop and allow me get some drinks .She kinda of give me ,that who care about u look?”
Then I tried to win her sympathy by telling her I am having gastric.She finally talked to me. We walked guardrain pharmacy and got antiacid and mineral water.
Finally the anger disappear. She said, “ I don’t understand you . Really don’t understand u at all.”
You spend 2 year seeing the chinese sinseh at eu ren sheng to cure your reflux and you went to tan tock seng , day in and day out , put tube through your stomach . You now wanted just salad for dinner.”
I told her, what to do I am fat ass?
She reminded me. It is not fat ass matter. It is all in my brain .
I always been living for someone else , living for a purpose and never really stop and learn of the Good things God had given me.
The fact that I am fat now is God made it this way . Had u forgotten u will once slim and having all the benefit of a beauty could had .And that time , you had pain . Pain that he wanted you because he just want to feel better ,but not because he wanted to spend a lifetime with you . Remember ,what he said to you. I wanted a beautiful girlfriend to feel good about myself. But I prefer her because she is more clever (university graduate) and was rich. U cried for weeks and months for him .He 2 timer u .You questioned God , u want to be a graduate . U make your way through . Where are u now?”
Now God make u fat . He wanted u to discern the meaning of true love or just a fling .But u seem to be unhappy that you are on anti depressant , you seem to unhappy that you are fat .What wrong it is a side effect of anti depressant. If someone scold you a fat ass , scold them back . U fucker , because u made me a fat ass. U are inconsiderate enough for my feeling that u had to rely on drugs and this is the outcome of the drugs.
And U are dangerously sick( you are not like my mum (diabetes) .The symptoms are all clearly shown.You had a hidden disease that we sometimes don’t even know that you are sick. Sometimes we could rely on our own initiation.I wanted u to be well again .But u said you are planning to throw away your anti depressant .Is all those superficial things more important than yourself?
Think about it , Geraldine . U found someone . Yah you think u found .But how can be sure that’s someone would love you forever. And who can be sure he wont hurt u ,when he does. The sickness would rebond worst than what u are now.Let be cruel. What if u become what u are,slim and beautiful ,anerxioa and u will be in hospital.
Who would be visiting you? You think that person who don’t deserve you who make u fall head over heels . I guess he would be finding another new lady. Before you know , you start telling me again,”
Life is without meaning as love is gone .And maybe bythat time , u nolonger sms me and u just go without inform me .I had a friend who kill himself before . I cant take it if you does that .Geraldine wake up your bloody sense.
Who will be at your funeral, you know clearly then more others. And I won’t want to wait till that day to curse at your dead body. I am telling you now . U are just a fragile person pretending to be strong.U don’t want to face the truth , You don’t want to accept God who made the situation you are now to get rid of superficial people , and protect you from getting hurt from them.
I argue with her . the fact is a guy would turn his head when they saw a beautiful .I even hear people whenever she walked past and I was behind , whispered, That sexy thing.”
She replied ,”So what ?”
U forgotten about your breakup a few years back . Beauty or beast , you still need to feel the pain . You still had to face death and life. She pointed at the fat lady and a charming man. Who said Fat gal cant get the guy ?” See them eating happily at indian restaurant?Is all these what u really wanted in life? Don’t throw yourself in pit of hell anymore. LET THE PERSON PROVE THEMSELVES and u deserve that”
I don’t need to quote friends around us who had been fat and living happily ever after.
She went up the bus . I was left all alone.
I know what she meant . I know what she trying to say . She was trying to say when u feel not good about yourself and u try means to get it through serving on cabbage a day . U are counting for death.She is reminding something …
The knots cannot be released easily unless I released them myself..
Yah maybe I should Little by little, I'm beginning to learn how to love myself and not entertain other things . But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think it even if I know that it would worsen my situation.

Yah She was right .My environment, especially in the office, was not helpful for me. I should start a new life accepting what I am now and had no hopless expectation , but it's hard. Just the thought of it makes me weak. I know it's not healthy, but it's my way of being happy.

Every day, I'm waiting for signs, which sometimes leaves me with hopeless expectations. Every move and every action been make, I interpret ... I'm like a fool watching every moment and so desperate for xxx to notice my existence.. A short conversation makes my whole day brighter. Maybe I allow him to fill the empty space in my heart

Watever prepare for tomorrow vertical climb …