I am feeling kinda of sick lately . I would feel symptoms of weakness, stomach upset and nervous outbreak.
I dont know what wrong with me. I guess I will be stopping the slimming pill ,although it is effective in cutting down my weights. It really cause me insomia.
And I am sinus infection . It simply make my head more heavy and tiring and painful
http://www.sweetadditions.net/health/sinus-infection-home-remedy-using-salt-water
Maybe I should try this theraphy . But it is really gosh feeling to run the salt water into your nose as I hate letting ENT doctor put something through my nose .
I think I am getting sick commnly these few weeks
So sick that I dun know it is all in my brain or I actually really sick .I didnt go for all my classes. Aerobic , Kickboxing yoga...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Encouraging email
Dear sddYou have to stop thinking of what other people think of you. You are not thinking straight - you have to settle down and concentrate on getting through a day, without thinking of what other people think.
You owe your employers and those working with you to be fully awake at work, and fully asleep at night so you can work efficiently. Therefore you have to work out whether being slim is more important than working and keeping employed. If you were unemployed you would not be able to afford the medications that you need and would be worse off.
Just remember Geraldine, even with your extra weight you are still only the half the size of me and I am quite happy with the size I am - it is what God has given me, and if He thinks that this is what is good for me, then it's what I have to live with. We both have to exercise to keep our bodies in shape, we both need lots of sleep (I am fighting with trying to get to bed earlier so I can get some more sleep) and you have to come to the conclusion that what you are at the moment is where God wants you. Have you checked with the doctor as to whether you should be taking the slimming medication? Do you think that because you are taking it, it is making your depression worse?
Stick to your depression medication and be the Geraldine we love. Hard working, good to be around and don't worry about the weight!!!! We love you as you are!!!
You owe your employers and those working with you to be fully awake at work, and fully asleep at night so you can work efficiently. Therefore you have to work out whether being slim is more important than working and keeping employed. If you were unemployed you would not be able to afford the medications that you need and would be worse off.
Just remember Geraldine, even with your extra weight you are still only the half the size of me and I am quite happy with the size I am - it is what God has given me, and if He thinks that this is what is good for me, then it's what I have to live with. We both have to exercise to keep our bodies in shape, we both need lots of sleep (I am fighting with trying to get to bed earlier so I can get some more sleep) and you have to come to the conclusion that what you are at the moment is where God wants you. Have you checked with the doctor as to whether you should be taking the slimming medication? Do you think that because you are taking it, it is making your depression worse?
Stick to your depression medication and be the Geraldine we love. Hard working, good to be around and don't worry about the weight!!!! We love you as you are!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Dead kitty and Tears me.
It suppose to going home to rest .But as I took bus to Ang mo kio , got to change at 854 and walked along the connector . I saw a white orange kitten .It is lying by the tree . I am fearful of cat .Very fearful .But the poor cat lying there. I wanted to help him or her . I wanted too . I don’t dare to touch her. I tried very hard to see if it is living , any movement of it little stomach . I don’t know if the wind will blowing or I am hallunicating . I think I saw him open his eyes .His fragile green eyes I thought I saw it .
I google my mobile to find SPCA and called SPCA report the case of ill cat . The authority asked me to push the cat . I told him , I am afraid of CAT . And He told me , I think he is dead .How do you know I asked him ? He said , you saw any movement ? “ I think I saw . I think I really saw. He is just fragile and weak .does his head turn to you . Nope.
He asked for my name .Geraldine I told him.
And he said that stay there with the cat .And he get his guys to help . Bangkok road , what the lamppost I told him everything. Suddenly I stand beside the cat . I start to tremble. Tremble because I am fearful ,yet I felt sad.
Then a lady walked past , gal , why are u standing there? This cat had died on Friday .
I was desvasted .Died on Friday?
I start to tears .Like a little gal who lost her way in shopping malls . I tried to control my emotions .But I cant help it . I broke down . Good thing was the guy was here.I sms all my best friends . Asked them for help . I think someone actually called me and heard me crying . he was like alamak . why are u crying ?
I told him , I saw a weak cat lying by the pole…When the guy came .He said ,” Gal , I think he is dead.”
I was like devasted. Dead. No .. cant be . I think I saw his eyes .The guy told me,” If it your cat?”
“Nope.” I replied tearfully . He said , “U amazed me .I thought u are the owner of this cat .”
I think he is telling me to stop the tears , get a grip of myself and he offered me a car pool back to my home. I cant stop crying …
When I reach home, My mum was shocked. Who bullied you again ?
The guy told my mum ,”Aunty your daughter crying over a dead cat by the street knocked down by bicycle.She too soft hearted”
Mum scolded me get a grip of yourself . It is not your mum died .Why you so worked out?”
I guess this is me. I sms lifang , I told her , I dun understand why God create and then he take it away .He is just a kittens . Small kitten . I am still tearing .
My poor dog followed me around and lick my tears .He know something wrong with me. I tried very hard to make out the sms .
Then Kind camera man also wanted to help . I guess because he sms me . I think it make me feel easier and not afraid . Someone to share my fear and worries. Thank God. I am grateful for cameraman help .
I went home , I took my anti depressant pills and some cough mixture nausea medicine . And I told my mum , I going to sleep.
Fang , u are super AH Q ,I got to learn from u . You said the kitten recinerate lioa , it is nomore kitten .U think like tat hor.
hahahahah.
I burst into laughter. My mum was pissed with my sudden cry sudden outbreak of laughter.
Well …..I guess I confessesed I am very sentimental and soft hearted.That why when I was went for career eq test by company , the test result said I suited counseling and social work because of my compassion.
Then my mum said ,” If you are a nurse ,like my friend, she faced death every single day . She laughing at you .” Coz you would had no tears anymore.”
I don’t ask for more. I just felt sad that a poor kitten had been killed . And nobody offer a helping hand . If he is knocked down on Friday .I feel sad that I couldn’t do much to help him .
I suddenly thought too much ..Like a train of thought going through my brain .
n your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am thirty two and I am already exhausted.”
I google my mobile to find SPCA and called SPCA report the case of ill cat . The authority asked me to push the cat . I told him , I am afraid of CAT . And He told me , I think he is dead .How do you know I asked him ? He said , you saw any movement ? “ I think I saw . I think I really saw. He is just fragile and weak .does his head turn to you . Nope.
He asked for my name .Geraldine I told him.
And he said that stay there with the cat .And he get his guys to help . Bangkok road , what the lamppost I told him everything. Suddenly I stand beside the cat . I start to tremble. Tremble because I am fearful ,yet I felt sad.
Then a lady walked past , gal , why are u standing there? This cat had died on Friday .
I was desvasted .Died on Friday?
I start to tears .Like a little gal who lost her way in shopping malls . I tried to control my emotions .But I cant help it . I broke down . Good thing was the guy was here.I sms all my best friends . Asked them for help . I think someone actually called me and heard me crying . he was like alamak . why are u crying ?
I told him , I saw a weak cat lying by the pole…When the guy came .He said ,” Gal , I think he is dead.”
I was like devasted. Dead. No .. cant be . I think I saw his eyes .The guy told me,” If it your cat?”
“Nope.” I replied tearfully . He said , “U amazed me .I thought u are the owner of this cat .”
I think he is telling me to stop the tears , get a grip of myself and he offered me a car pool back to my home. I cant stop crying …
When I reach home, My mum was shocked. Who bullied you again ?
The guy told my mum ,”Aunty your daughter crying over a dead cat by the street knocked down by bicycle.She too soft hearted”
Mum scolded me get a grip of yourself . It is not your mum died .Why you so worked out?”
I guess this is me. I sms lifang , I told her , I dun understand why God create and then he take it away .He is just a kittens . Small kitten . I am still tearing .
My poor dog followed me around and lick my tears .He know something wrong with me. I tried very hard to make out the sms .
Then Kind camera man also wanted to help . I guess because he sms me . I think it make me feel easier and not afraid . Someone to share my fear and worries. Thank God. I am grateful for cameraman help .
I went home , I took my anti depressant pills and some cough mixture nausea medicine . And I told my mum , I going to sleep.
Fang , u are super AH Q ,I got to learn from u . You said the kitten recinerate lioa , it is nomore kitten .U think like tat hor.
hahahahah.
I burst into laughter. My mum was pissed with my sudden cry sudden outbreak of laughter.
Well …..I guess I confessesed I am very sentimental and soft hearted.That why when I was went for career eq test by company , the test result said I suited counseling and social work because of my compassion.
Then my mum said ,” If you are a nurse ,like my friend, she faced death every single day . She laughing at you .” Coz you would had no tears anymore.”
I don’t ask for more. I just felt sad that a poor kitten had been killed . And nobody offer a helping hand . If he is knocked down on Friday .I feel sad that I couldn’t do much to help him .
I suddenly thought too much ..Like a train of thought going through my brain .
n your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am thirty two and I am already exhausted.”
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Lately , Black dog following me around
LAtely My Black dog had been following me around .
I know it because I had no mood for anything .Basically everything. It is good because it stop me from spending excess. But then it is like I had no mood to exercise go for any of my lessons.
Now I am now trying to reading the daily bread .
I have been dreaming about funny things lately . Like my cousin baby .
I dont know why. I think Sub consiously maybe I was envying him alot .
He had a baby son now. And the baby look cute .
But I wasnt invited.
So I dreamt about I was invited and all the doctor was there and I was left at the door .
Just as I always go to his place and I had to wait together with his patient for just helping him out . I got fed up of his ignorant and proud ways . I decided not to help him at all.
So ..sub consious I am dreaming of him.
lately I am reading a book called Unstruck . I was thinking whether should I buy this book .To be honest , the book had good recommendation and help step to guide you .But then ...It is not cheap .
Then when I start buying this book , there are some book inside which recommends more about other books And i shall be openning the sha jie and keep purchasing again.
No I dont want that to happen .
I know it because I had no mood for anything .Basically everything. It is good because it stop me from spending excess. But then it is like I had no mood to exercise go for any of my lessons.
Now I am now trying to reading the daily bread .
I have been dreaming about funny things lately . Like my cousin baby .
I dont know why. I think Sub consiously maybe I was envying him alot .
He had a baby son now. And the baby look cute .
But I wasnt invited.
So I dreamt about I was invited and all the doctor was there and I was left at the door .
Just as I always go to his place and I had to wait together with his patient for just helping him out . I got fed up of his ignorant and proud ways . I decided not to help him at all.
So ..sub consious I am dreaming of him.
lately I am reading a book called Unstruck . I was thinking whether should I buy this book .To be honest , the book had good recommendation and help step to guide you .But then ...It is not cheap .
Then when I start buying this book , there are some book inside which recommends more about other books And i shall be openning the sha jie and keep purchasing again.
No I dont want that to happen .
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Instead of THis ..Changing to THIS...Who cares if It is not HEALTHY
Instead of THE Beer ..NEXT TIME I go into Ice-cream ..who care if it is not healthy. It is better than mixing the beer with medicine.....
OKAY ..I am just FINE..
Tat little monster in me and Alf fighting it everyday
I also end up drinking cocktail of beers and drugs . I think I went Gila.
And my poor dog accompany me to my craziness. Good thing is I am still alive.
I Guess I should be satisfied in life. For a minute I must , I should. Lately the dry spells just come into me. I would just collapse at least . But this afternoon I forced myself to go to the gym and had a short run .It was wisely advise to get some exercise system into me because it keep the black dog at bay . SO …..I must …Although I met some people on the way to the office and they give that kind of look . “U always run but never see u slim down .”
Well , within my heart , I felt like yelling back at them ,” TO THE HELL, U don’t know what is it like to be depressed. And nothing would work for me because I am depressed. If I am as healthy as u all , I won’t be wat I am now.I am what I am because of u all…”
Then I thought .Maybe after all , they aren’t talking about me. I am just oversensitive.
Even a simple facebook , brought a lot of depression back to me. I download the photos which I havent download to get the track record of my running rounds. I start to saw..OH ..funny picture. I don’t know what I had done when a recent of black dog attacked me. I brought my lucky along and Poor him .But he was good as he guarded me against bad people.
INTo alot of craziness.....A desire to SPEND ..
Kind Rxxxx said she would accompany for social matchmaking . I asked Alf .And she said No . she want shopping .Alf had been part of my life lately . Totally completely in my life . I can say without her, I would go more insane.She would crack the right jokes at the right time to make me feel better. And she had been tolerant of me. No t many people would understand the sudden break out of emotions inside a depressed soul . And not much people can tolerant our minds as we tend to imagine things a lot .And I remember one friend tell me off indirectly , U are hard to be friend with . I had to learn to be careful .
There is nothing hard beening with us . IT is just a true honest friendship . It is worthmore than learning to be anything. And I guess some people are inbuild in them . Like Alf ,Cin , and blah blah …… I don’t know they always happen to get the right words and right time and it seem to shoo that black evil dog away for a time being.
For a minute , MSN become heaven so it facebook . Facebook become hell ,when u start to google about your ex bf . Why the hell am I doing googling my ex bf? I don’t know . something just got into my head. I am a person who cant live forward, I tend to droole about the past a lot.And poor Alf took hours and hours inmidst of her busy working period to talk some sense into me.hahahahaahahahahhaah..I adoring her. I afraid I get too reliance on her and she got sick of me one day . But I pray that day wont come and my friendship with all my true friend would last a lifetime. I remember the day I wanted to kill myself that was very long time ago , and she sms me . She will transfer money into my bank and I went to Serene house to run refuge. Mind. Thinking back . I am not ALONE . I do have friends.Alf also helped me in my shopping maniac.She stop me from shopping maniac on my blue tuesday . I wanted to buy something from Gmarket..hahahah..she spend time discouraging me.
My kickboxing teacher haunted me, coz I been skipping her classes. I cant understand why I paid for it then I just skipped it . Before I go , I will find thousand of excuses. I am feeling sick. I need a rest .Then I just skipped it .The most encouraging thing is she took the effort to sms me.
I confess to her the black dog had stopped me from doing anything except for going to work and returning home. And when I asked her about matchmaking. She replied .”My dear girl ,just stay away from relationship for now . Don’t go for any matchmaking for now . Adjust yourself rist . You must be confident of yourself first .Dont go for all these matchmaking until you know what your direction for life.”
And lately I am craze into Zippo Lighter. I DON’T SMOKE. But I happen to purchase one from 77th Street and gone into craze and looking into them online . I find that it is cheaper to get it online. Why would Ibuy a lighter?
Maybe in my subscious , I wanted something somehow to light up my life . Coz I feel I am in darkness for a long long period . I really wanted somehow something to show me a light where I can follow. Or light make me think of people seeing light at the end of tunnel and u follow towards it .
It s nice to see that warm sms of hong and yang….Yah It is like telling me , Hello ..Gal , u are still alive , U still can reiceved sms sia.
Poor Yoda spend time to talk me out of it . Yah . I saved money and didn’t but it .
My desire list
“ A cool looking ear piece for iphone.”
A wire trapper to wrap my wire around.
Laozhi book
UNSTRUCK BOOK about depression.
Mindfulness.
Compression clothing . I went to vertical marathon and I was brainwashed to get ace compression clothing at 120 .But I guess.. I shouldn’t think about tat ……
Later should I go aerobics..or should I .? What wrong with me? I wish somebody can tell me.Coz I cant help myself anyway.
Later should I go Kinko and find refuge..But …whatever…shouldn’t u be ….
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Encouragement from MY guide
Geraldine,
What can I say? Lots of people love you as you are, and you have to love yourself as you are – you have to be happy in your own skin, remember, the people who say the worst things are the ones that are the fattest, most stupid, inferior people. Just think about the people who have caused you to be miserable – are they happy people? No. They are sad people and they want other people to be sad so that they feel better.
You have to be happy in your own skin – and the moment someone wants you to be different because of their ideas, drop them, they aren’t worth it. We love you for what you are – a great sense of humour, willing to help, being helpful to others, going on fun runs and helping others, just being a great person. Again, the moment someone wants you to change, they are inferior – remember that!
I hope the weekend is a better one for you – and no desperate talking online – have a rest and be happy with yourself – you are worth it (and no more dieting of any description – just eat healthy, do your exercise and remember – better to be happy in head than miserable in head and body just to look good for someone else!)
Hang in there,
Love,
G
What can I say? Lots of people love you as you are, and you have to love yourself as you are – you have to be happy in your own skin, remember, the people who say the worst things are the ones that are the fattest, most stupid, inferior people. Just think about the people who have caused you to be miserable – are they happy people? No. They are sad people and they want other people to be sad so that they feel better.
You have to be happy in your own skin – and the moment someone wants you to be different because of their ideas, drop them, they aren’t worth it. We love you for what you are – a great sense of humour, willing to help, being helpful to others, going on fun runs and helping others, just being a great person. Again, the moment someone wants you to change, they are inferior – remember that!
I hope the weekend is a better one for you – and no desperate talking online – have a rest and be happy with yourself – you are worth it (and no more dieting of any description – just eat healthy, do your exercise and remember – better to be happy in head than miserable in head and body just to look good for someone else!)
Hang in there,
Love,
G
Friday, June 17, 2011
jittery effect .SLIM down by 2KG ..But I going crazy
I was desperate to get thin asap . Exercise was always on my mind .But this time , I brought the medicine from Nature farm . And guess what . I had jittery for 2 days .Today worst . I tried reduce dosage .But I am still jittery . I planning to throw away the medicine treat as lost money because it was stated that it fight with depression and i google , there are people advicing to stop it as it will create high blood pressure and heart attack .
Maybe I will post online and give it to people for half price .
Maybe I will post online and give it to people for half price .
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Good things happening
Alot of good things come today .
Sean helped me to solve the HTML ..
And then alot of good things coming...
I was invited for a dinner tomorrow. YAHOO...
And .... Everything getting better....Reeena helped me out in fixing the iphone ...
Well , I do find some irritrating and weridos and freaks in my life journey .Alot ...a puppy was roasted alive...I was like saying ..wtf ..how could they do such thing to a beautiful pup ...But as it was well said you had the bad things happen so that you can see the good things infront of you .ahahahahah...
Sean helped me to solve the HTML ..
And then alot of good things coming...
I was invited for a dinner tomorrow. YAHOO...
And .... Everything getting better....Reeena helped me out in fixing the iphone ...
Well , I do find some irritrating and weridos and freaks in my life journey .Alot ...a puppy was roasted alive...I was like saying ..wtf ..how could they do such thing to a beautiful pup ...But as it was well said you had the bad things happen so that you can see the good things infront of you .ahahahahah...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hahaha.. BACK TO NORMAL
The funniest Thing ...
I helped you ...
What helped me? U forgotten Who am I ..... I am a air stewardess . SIA gal .
hahahahah.. .
I sexy enough ..... He will be super geeko and then I pretend to be his friend , and make him fall for me and then ask him to go to die. ahhahahah...
Anotehr said ,"Dont waste time on idoits ." He will get retribution easily ."
Comon It is fun . He is DAAM FAT, and nomatter what . does he had landed property , owe a company , condonimum , car ? "What Dun have?" Wzzzzzz is thousand times better than him .....He cant even make it for any gal out there..... And He critise about fatness when he is daam fat and more fatter than you .....WOW cow .. i feel like laughing my teeth drop.....
I think It is wasting time playing with him ...Forget it . ...
Gal.,NExt time becareful dont trust any guys out there.
Another say . I told you .... I told you right . You know what He is crazy ,He was dumped by all the gals .So he just vent in on you .
If he is handsome ,rich own a condo , I no comments. BUt he is So ugly looking and still set high standard. Moever .. after reading his facebook account , I feel like bursting ...Man health . Pls loh .The face is like shit .It is like make out one .
Okay . Great AH gal I beg you be strong . Dont let idoits play around with you .
What wrong been single ?
Nothing wrong ?
I ve friend who are singlet yet happy .So dont let all these guys make fun of you .
You are beautiful .
Very sharp features .
You must confident
Dont let people put you down .
But to be honest , I can gurantee that kind of freak will be single forever with his attitude . I think he is got something wrong with brain .Everything also post online .Very lonely , very deperate and pathetic . Those gal who dumped him were cool . SUPER COOL ..freak ..Yah he is indeed ..ahahhahah.
One asked... did you go out with him ?
Nope
Are u in relationship ?
I dun know.
But if kind of like leh ..Wah lan , pls loh . You .Yah .Not that kind of like.
That means it is nothing loh . U are very cheeky I know .Told you not to talk with such a person . He is egotic .
I think Lxxx said very well of that person . I cant remember what .
Wxxxxxx ....
There will be retribution for this FAT JERK ,Not say I depise him ...But HE is SUPER FAT .... cant never find love or any beauty to love him .He pay money to build himself up . Inside of him is sUPER UGLY . No character. No considerate , No caring , Not kind , all the 5cs ..Dont have ..Not I bullshit of myself hor ,At least now , I am muscular and healthy , owe a car , a private landed property and owe a private company loh .
COW ... What good is there in such person ?
.
I helped you ...
What helped me? U forgotten Who am I ..... I am a air stewardess . SIA gal .
hahahahah.. .
I sexy enough ..... He will be super geeko and then I pretend to be his friend , and make him fall for me and then ask him to go to die. ahhahahah...
Anotehr said ,"Dont waste time on idoits ." He will get retribution easily ."
Comon It is fun . He is DAAM FAT, and nomatter what . does he had landed property , owe a company , condonimum , car ? "What Dun have?" Wzzzzzz is thousand times better than him .....He cant even make it for any gal out there..... And He critise about fatness when he is daam fat and more fatter than you .....WOW cow .. i feel like laughing my teeth drop.....
I think It is wasting time playing with him ...Forget it . ...
Gal.,NExt time becareful dont trust any guys out there.
Another say . I told you .... I told you right . You know what He is crazy ,He was dumped by all the gals .So he just vent in on you .
If he is handsome ,rich own a condo , I no comments. BUt he is So ugly looking and still set high standard. Moever .. after reading his facebook account , I feel like bursting ...Man health . Pls loh .The face is like shit .It is like make out one .
Okay . Great AH gal I beg you be strong . Dont let idoits play around with you .
What wrong been single ?
Nothing wrong ?
I ve friend who are singlet yet happy .So dont let all these guys make fun of you .
You are beautiful .
Very sharp features .
You must confident
Dont let people put you down .
But to be honest , I can gurantee that kind of freak will be single forever with his attitude . I think he is got something wrong with brain .Everything also post online .Very lonely , very deperate and pathetic . Those gal who dumped him were cool . SUPER COOL ..freak ..Yah he is indeed ..ahahhahah.
One asked... did you go out with him ?
Nope
Are u in relationship ?
I dun know.
But if kind of like leh ..Wah lan , pls loh . You .Yah .Not that kind of like.
That means it is nothing loh . U are very cheeky I know .Told you not to talk with such a person . He is egotic .
I think Lxxx said very well of that person . I cant remember what .
Wxxxxxx ....
There will be retribution for this FAT JERK ,Not say I depise him ...But HE is SUPER FAT .... cant never find love or any beauty to love him .He pay money to build himself up . Inside of him is sUPER UGLY . No character. No considerate , No caring , Not kind , all the 5cs ..Dont have ..Not I bullshit of myself hor ,At least now , I am muscular and healthy , owe a car , a private landed property and owe a private company loh .
COW ... What good is there in such person ?
.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Not at peace because of a few old photos
I get sleepless at 2 am . I dont know what wrong with me . I wake up . I feel restless.
Hopeless a sense of ....oh ...i waken up again.
I took some sleeping pill to kick me back to sleep.
I am very bothered . Bothered by the fact of a few photos ( of past) . It just like rubbing salt in my wounds.That were an old photos . Indeed I did create a website for it .It is called geocities at weiling. But then I forgot about the whole issue after introducing to some good friends to the website . It is called twinkle twinkle weiling
Now it hurts more because I am nolonger that person in that picture . I am just a fat ass , walking around amd even my colleagues told me," Geraldine, you had been munching and munching and munching."
I unexpectedly munched ,because I am stress . I dont know why I am on anti depressant and I tried very hard to exercise I am still under great stress. It got me more stress when someone tell me he is holding back for years ..Because I afraid of everything in life .
I munched and muched till the fear go away .But it wont . but it only add calories to my body.
I promise myself ,maybe I should go for a jog together to kick my depression at bay .
I allow Mr L to affect my mood . I see mr L comments . I felt like a fool .
Maybe after all , all the time ..whatever.....
OKay .....................where should I go for now?
My brain is restless and not a peace...
It bringing back the hurts of the past ...
But ...Nerd said I can do it . Can use that as motivation to pull myself back together....
I dont know if i can anymore. I feel so low .I am on anti depressant. My sleeping pattern gone haywire. I feel sick lately . I munch my stress away ,but they never did any good ...
I muched and muched when I found MR L said I was needed anymore. So the motivation start to gone......
Hopeless a sense of ....oh ...i waken up again.
I took some sleeping pill to kick me back to sleep.
I am very bothered . Bothered by the fact of a few photos ( of past) . It just like rubbing salt in my wounds.That were an old photos . Indeed I did create a website for it .It is called geocities at weiling. But then I forgot about the whole issue after introducing to some good friends to the website . It is called twinkle twinkle weiling
Now it hurts more because I am nolonger that person in that picture . I am just a fat ass , walking around amd even my colleagues told me," Geraldine, you had been munching and munching and munching."
I unexpectedly munched ,because I am stress . I dont know why I am on anti depressant and I tried very hard to exercise I am still under great stress. It got me more stress when someone tell me he is holding back for years ..Because I afraid of everything in life .
I munched and muched till the fear go away .But it wont . but it only add calories to my body.
I promise myself ,maybe I should go for a jog together to kick my depression at bay .
I allow Mr L to affect my mood . I see mr L comments . I felt like a fool .
Maybe after all , all the time ..whatever.....
OKay .....................where should I go for now?
My brain is restless and not a peace...
It bringing back the hurts of the past ...
But ...Nerd said I can do it . Can use that as motivation to pull myself back together....
I dont know if i can anymore. I feel so low .I am on anti depressant. My sleeping pattern gone haywire. I feel sick lately . I munch my stress away ,but they never did any good ...
I muched and muched when I found MR L said I was needed anymore. So the motivation start to gone......
melbournegeraldine2009's photostream
melbournegeraldine2009's photostream on Flickr.
The Good old times at melbourne
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Chinese Wayang ...
A history preview ... Chinese wayang which is often sponsored and the old folks in the past used it as part of entertainment in the past ..Now ... It is slowly dying .. trying to take artistic look
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Walked out of me,addicted to love
She walked out of me suddenly . I guess maybe I was overboard. I had filled with shit and fresh new idea lately . I wanted to get some tattoo done on me like angelia Jodie , and Mr L . That was cool to have a tattoo. I dream of during the eclipse season . I picking up things which I always dreamt of .
Be a fighter . I want to be a millionaire baby .I never tell my parents where I am heading today .But I had a buddy to go with me . She was the buddy where I go for my dates. Having her around would mean I be more secured and she is always very witty and smart . And she also anaylse the date for me.
Sometimes I make her a smoke screen . Why? She is beautiful . If I were to go out with her, and the person who happen to date me wont able to keep their eyes off her. I guess we all know immediately .He is not the one . And at end of day , the guy would either choose to send me or her home first . If the guy cant get his eyes off her. I know I am out .That Where she would said her bf is picking her and me up And we will dicuss about the date on her bf car . Yah . That a jerk ! Just a jerk .
So today she just become someone which I need her to support and give me courage in whatever things I am doing . And if my parents are to find out , she would allow me to go over her house to stay for a few days till my parents cool down . So far , before the night came, I will back home because I felt uneasy sleeping with her. Sometimes I wonder if we are lesbian. Where we slept side by side each other , and talked . I would bitch about how nasty my parents will , She would hug me and advice me in everything.
Once she had a relationship problem , and she hug me real tight and asked,”Gerald, I wish you are a guy. and cried. I got a lot lost because I was thinking is that suppose I had to cut short my hair, bundle my bust up .But after a day , just been beside her, thing will be soon passed and they reunited back.
Sometimes I imagine me and her in Japanese anime ,that kinda of messed up relationship. OH Gosh.
Today , I done a few blunders. And while shopping with her, at dinner, I denied wanting to eat anything except for a salad . She went mad.
“ So U are really into him?” she asked me.
“What Lah ? I am dieting ? What into him and not him?”
“We promised each other that we wont let anything hurt us anymore you forgotten?”
“What does dieting got to do with hurting each other,u siao huh?”
I think she was mad. Then angrily she walked out the restaurant and tell the waiteress that we are not eating .
I freaked out when she get mad. Really freak out . Especially I don’t understand what is happening.
I just followed quietly like a little mouse ,carrying the crazy things I brought . I brought a boxer short with Muay Thai on it and some sports stuff. But as she walked on , I followed behind , I was thirsty . I yelled her to stop and allow me get some drinks .She kinda of give me ,that who care about u look?”
Then I tried to win her sympathy by telling her I am having gastric.She finally talked to me. We walked guardrain pharmacy and got antiacid and mineral water.
Finally the anger disappear. She said, “ I don’t understand you . Really don’t understand u at all.”
You spend 2 year seeing the chinese sinseh at eu ren sheng to cure your reflux and you went to tan tock seng , day in and day out , put tube through your stomach . You now wanted just salad for dinner.”
I told her, what to do I am fat ass?
She reminded me. It is not fat ass matter. It is all in my brain .
I always been living for someone else , living for a purpose and never really stop and learn of the Good things God had given me.
The fact that I am fat now is God made it this way . Had u forgotten u will once slim and having all the benefit of a beauty could had .And that time , you had pain . Pain that he wanted you because he just want to feel better ,but not because he wanted to spend a lifetime with you . Remember ,what he said to you. I wanted a beautiful girlfriend to feel good about myself. But I prefer her because she is more clever (university graduate) and was rich. U cried for weeks and months for him .He 2 timer u .You questioned God , u want to be a graduate . U make your way through . Where are u now?”
Now God make u fat . He wanted u to discern the meaning of true love or just a fling .But u seem to be unhappy that you are on anti depressant , you seem to unhappy that you are fat .What wrong it is a side effect of anti depressant. If someone scold you a fat ass , scold them back . U fucker , because u made me a fat ass. U are inconsiderate enough for my feeling that u had to rely on drugs and this is the outcome of the drugs.
And U are dangerously sick( you are not like my mum (diabetes) .The symptoms are all clearly shown.You had a hidden disease that we sometimes don’t even know that you are sick. Sometimes we could rely on our own initiation.I wanted u to be well again .But u said you are planning to throw away your anti depressant .Is all those superficial things more important than yourself?
Think about it , Geraldine . U found someone . Yah you think u found .But how can be sure that’s someone would love you forever. And who can be sure he wont hurt u ,when he does. The sickness would rebond worst than what u are now.Let be cruel. What if u become what u are,slim and beautiful ,anerxioa and u will be in hospital.
Who would be visiting you? You think that person who don’t deserve you who make u fall head over heels . I guess he would be finding another new lady. Before you know , you start telling me again,”
Life is without meaning as love is gone .And maybe bythat time , u nolonger sms me and u just go without inform me .I had a friend who kill himself before . I cant take it if you does that .Geraldine wake up your bloody sense.
Who will be at your funeral, you know clearly then more others. And I won’t want to wait till that day to curse at your dead body. I am telling you now . U are just a fragile person pretending to be strong.U don’t want to face the truth , You don’t want to accept God who made the situation you are now to get rid of superficial people , and protect you from getting hurt from them.
I argue with her . the fact is a guy would turn his head when they saw a beautiful .I even hear people whenever she walked past and I was behind , whispered, That sexy thing.”
She replied ,”So what ?”
U forgotten about your breakup a few years back . Beauty or beast , you still need to feel the pain . You still had to face death and life. She pointed at the fat lady and a charming man. Who said Fat gal cant get the guy ?” See them eating happily at indian restaurant?Is all these what u really wanted in life? Don’t throw yourself in pit of hell anymore. LET THE PERSON PROVE THEMSELVES and u deserve that”
I don’t need to quote friends around us who had been fat and living happily ever after.
She went up the bus . I was left all alone.
I know what she meant . I know what she trying to say . She was trying to say when u feel not good about yourself and u try means to get it through serving on cabbage a day . U are counting for death.She is reminding something …
The knots cannot be released easily unless I released them myself..
Yah maybe I should Little by little, I'm beginning to learn how to love myself and not entertain other things . But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think it even if I know that it would worsen my situation.
Yah She was right .My environment, especially in the office, was not helpful for me. I should start a new life accepting what I am now and had no hopless expectation , but it's hard. Just the thought of it makes me weak. I know it's not healthy, but it's my way of being happy.
Every day, I'm waiting for signs, which sometimes leaves me with hopeless expectations. Every move and every action been make, I interpret ... I'm like a fool watching every moment and so desperate for xxx to notice my existence.. A short conversation makes my whole day brighter. Maybe I allow him to fill the empty space in my heart
Watever prepare for tomorrow vertical climb …
Be a fighter . I want to be a millionaire baby .I never tell my parents where I am heading today .But I had a buddy to go with me . She was the buddy where I go for my dates. Having her around would mean I be more secured and she is always very witty and smart . And she also anaylse the date for me.
Sometimes I make her a smoke screen . Why? She is beautiful . If I were to go out with her, and the person who happen to date me wont able to keep their eyes off her. I guess we all know immediately .He is not the one . And at end of day , the guy would either choose to send me or her home first . If the guy cant get his eyes off her. I know I am out .That Where she would said her bf is picking her and me up And we will dicuss about the date on her bf car . Yah . That a jerk ! Just a jerk .
So today she just become someone which I need her to support and give me courage in whatever things I am doing . And if my parents are to find out , she would allow me to go over her house to stay for a few days till my parents cool down . So far , before the night came, I will back home because I felt uneasy sleeping with her. Sometimes I wonder if we are lesbian. Where we slept side by side each other , and talked . I would bitch about how nasty my parents will , She would hug me and advice me in everything.
Once she had a relationship problem , and she hug me real tight and asked,”Gerald, I wish you are a guy. and cried. I got a lot lost because I was thinking is that suppose I had to cut short my hair, bundle my bust up .But after a day , just been beside her, thing will be soon passed and they reunited back.
Sometimes I imagine me and her in Japanese anime ,that kinda of messed up relationship. OH Gosh.
Today , I done a few blunders. And while shopping with her, at dinner, I denied wanting to eat anything except for a salad . She went mad.
“ So U are really into him?” she asked me.
“What Lah ? I am dieting ? What into him and not him?”
“We promised each other that we wont let anything hurt us anymore you forgotten?”
“What does dieting got to do with hurting each other,u siao huh?”
I think she was mad. Then angrily she walked out the restaurant and tell the waiteress that we are not eating .
I freaked out when she get mad. Really freak out . Especially I don’t understand what is happening.
I just followed quietly like a little mouse ,carrying the crazy things I brought . I brought a boxer short with Muay Thai on it and some sports stuff. But as she walked on , I followed behind , I was thirsty . I yelled her to stop and allow me get some drinks .She kinda of give me ,that who care about u look?”
Then I tried to win her sympathy by telling her I am having gastric.She finally talked to me. We walked guardrain pharmacy and got antiacid and mineral water.
Finally the anger disappear. She said, “ I don’t understand you . Really don’t understand u at all.”
You spend 2 year seeing the chinese sinseh at eu ren sheng to cure your reflux and you went to tan tock seng , day in and day out , put tube through your stomach . You now wanted just salad for dinner.”
I told her, what to do I am fat ass?
She reminded me. It is not fat ass matter. It is all in my brain .
I always been living for someone else , living for a purpose and never really stop and learn of the Good things God had given me.
The fact that I am fat now is God made it this way . Had u forgotten u will once slim and having all the benefit of a beauty could had .And that time , you had pain . Pain that he wanted you because he just want to feel better ,but not because he wanted to spend a lifetime with you . Remember ,what he said to you. I wanted a beautiful girlfriend to feel good about myself. But I prefer her because she is more clever (university graduate) and was rich. U cried for weeks and months for him .He 2 timer u .You questioned God , u want to be a graduate . U make your way through . Where are u now?”
Now God make u fat . He wanted u to discern the meaning of true love or just a fling .But u seem to be unhappy that you are on anti depressant , you seem to unhappy that you are fat .What wrong it is a side effect of anti depressant. If someone scold you a fat ass , scold them back . U fucker , because u made me a fat ass. U are inconsiderate enough for my feeling that u had to rely on drugs and this is the outcome of the drugs.
And U are dangerously sick( you are not like my mum (diabetes) .The symptoms are all clearly shown.You had a hidden disease that we sometimes don’t even know that you are sick. Sometimes we could rely on our own initiation.I wanted u to be well again .But u said you are planning to throw away your anti depressant .Is all those superficial things more important than yourself?
Think about it , Geraldine . U found someone . Yah you think u found .But how can be sure that’s someone would love you forever. And who can be sure he wont hurt u ,when he does. The sickness would rebond worst than what u are now.Let be cruel. What if u become what u are,slim and beautiful ,anerxioa and u will be in hospital.
Who would be visiting you? You think that person who don’t deserve you who make u fall head over heels . I guess he would be finding another new lady. Before you know , you start telling me again,”
Life is without meaning as love is gone .And maybe bythat time , u nolonger sms me and u just go without inform me .I had a friend who kill himself before . I cant take it if you does that .Geraldine wake up your bloody sense.
Who will be at your funeral, you know clearly then more others. And I won’t want to wait till that day to curse at your dead body. I am telling you now . U are just a fragile person pretending to be strong.U don’t want to face the truth , You don’t want to accept God who made the situation you are now to get rid of superficial people , and protect you from getting hurt from them.
I argue with her . the fact is a guy would turn his head when they saw a beautiful .I even hear people whenever she walked past and I was behind , whispered, That sexy thing.”
She replied ,”So what ?”
U forgotten about your breakup a few years back . Beauty or beast , you still need to feel the pain . You still had to face death and life. She pointed at the fat lady and a charming man. Who said Fat gal cant get the guy ?” See them eating happily at indian restaurant?Is all these what u really wanted in life? Don’t throw yourself in pit of hell anymore. LET THE PERSON PROVE THEMSELVES and u deserve that”
I don’t need to quote friends around us who had been fat and living happily ever after.
She went up the bus . I was left all alone.
I know what she meant . I know what she trying to say . She was trying to say when u feel not good about yourself and u try means to get it through serving on cabbage a day . U are counting for death.She is reminding something …
The knots cannot be released easily unless I released them myself..
Yah maybe I should Little by little, I'm beginning to learn how to love myself and not entertain other things . But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think it even if I know that it would worsen my situation.
Yah She was right .My environment, especially in the office, was not helpful for me. I should start a new life accepting what I am now and had no hopless expectation , but it's hard. Just the thought of it makes me weak. I know it's not healthy, but it's my way of being happy.
Every day, I'm waiting for signs, which sometimes leaves me with hopeless expectations. Every move and every action been make, I interpret ... I'm like a fool watching every moment and so desperate for xxx to notice my existence.. A short conversation makes my whole day brighter. Maybe I allow him to fill the empty space in my heart
Watever prepare for tomorrow vertical climb …
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Kind people in my life... My Kickboxing teacher
This morning, I was awaken by wonderful sms of my instructor who really care about me .
She wanted to train me like Sarch Connor .Yesterday night I took double dosage of my sleeping pill to numb all the pain inside me...
BUt the power pill didnt help me to sleep .
So at 4:39a, I abused the drug again .This time It help me to get few minutes before I report for work .
And She remind me again ...while I was on the way to office.
pls, I told you to be strong. I know it is not easy but try .This bloody ass hoke guy doesnt deserve you .Forget about him and move on!Let other superficial chiobo burn him.They would toy with him,becoz.chiobo prefer younger or older richer towkays with luxary car ,boats , and shower then with Luxary brand..Chin up Weiling Chan
Her SMS to me.....
She wanted to train me like Sarch Connor .Yesterday night I took double dosage of my sleeping pill to numb all the pain inside me...
BUt the power pill didnt help me to sleep .
So at 4:39a, I abused the drug again .This time It help me to get few minutes before I report for work .
And She remind me again ...while I was on the way to office.
pls, I told you to be strong. I know it is not easy but try .This bloody ass hoke guy doesnt deserve you .Forget about him and move on!Let other superficial chiobo burn him.They would toy with him,becoz.chiobo prefer younger or older richer towkays with luxary car ,boats , and shower then with Luxary brand..Chin up Weiling Chan
Her SMS to me.....
SAndbag ..and also a number of books
I know I am crazy ... I know I am ...
I know I went into shopping to clear or numb the pain.
I know I cant sleep at night ..
I know I am bother by so much thoughts in my brain ...
Am I dying soon>?
My family know I having depression releapse again .As I brought funny things home . Books , a few of them and Boxing gloves and also a sand bag .....
They got paranoid and frutrated with me .Nobody is happy with me anyway .
I should spent almost a few years sitting on park benches in a state of the most intense joy.
Lately I couldn’t live my life properly enough .Too many things happen at the same things . Too many things rock my emotions. But the good things is I had real friends to talk things out .
Here are some quotes The worst thing a guy can do is let a girl fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall....And Superficial love is when someone doesn't really love. They like. They don't take a look at the soul, instead they want the goods on the outside.
Weiling Chan yah I quote someone lah ...I like "t doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are prefect for each other
Weiling Chan Love is like the wind .U cant it ,but U can feel it and maybe God had a bigger plan for the one for you .By that time,WEILIN .U be lin the journey that wouldnt end.like he been sent to u because u are sick .to help u through all these .There will be an angel in his prefect timing...
Things were said to me that . The real test is whether he still likes and loves her after he get to know her .Although it may feel likelove , it is not necessarily real or lasting .When relationship passes the test of time , love is real . When physical chemisty is not backed up by chemistry in the mind,heart and soul , then it cannot last or grow in time . Once the pleasures and passion of the body are experienced ,without corresponding passion of the mind, heart and soiul , the physical chemisty will dissipate . Physical attraction can be sustained a lifetime only when it springs from the chemistry of mind,heart and soul as well .
Well I really enjoy talking with him and I had good times to share many encounters and motivating .Now I am abit worried that I may struck to my deep void of despair. I was thinking to send this letter .
To Kung Fu Panda,
Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. But I don't blame you for any of it. I know this is both of our faults so I don't expect you to say or do anything. I know that we are trying to fix all the screwed up things in our lives right now, and I hope we do get to make everything all better again.
I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependent upon you.
I am sorry for the way if I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will.
You are everything to me .I hope We can learn to open up to each other and let each other know how we feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I respect whatever it shall be .Even as Great Buddies or shall we or more than that ,when our heart had opened. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal.
You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, passionate and a wonderful person.The person who will obtain the key within your heart in the future will be blessed to have the love in which you are cable of giving to someone. May God Bless you and always give you the strength for you to continue to grow and love.
XOXOXO
Oh Kind of stupid right?
I cried calling my teacher earlier in the evening after work . I had sms her with shaky hands(Trembling and filled with great sadness suddenly) . I push myself to walk out of office having my last strength to call her. We arranged to meet near our office and we sat on the grass prototyping tis is a beautiful scenery to sit by and we drunk 5% alcohol beverages and talk thing out and all my fears ,lost and despair.I guess to quench my trembling .When I get shocked or upset , my anxiety would overcome me.Glad I was able to make it home .
My teacher was worried about me . At 2:45am , she sms me where am I ? She fear that I will lost my fight with the black dog .I will train to be stronger .
I told her , I suddenly lost the motivation to exercise or do anything because everything in life was a let down to me.
And my parents seem depression in me. But they cant understand the symptoms or what is it?
I went to Novena church to pray for peace and many heart matter.
Then I brought a sandbag and boxing gloves . Planning to be boxer fitness.
Then I also brought books again .Whenever I brought boxes, and go and impulsive spending , that is a sign of depression attacking me. The root problem was still inside my heart .
It was at period of these , I lived in a state of almost continuous anxiety interspersed with periods of suicidal depression.
One night not long after today ,maybe due to my insomnia , I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a car across my apartment street- everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
"I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."
I understood that the intense pressure of suffering that night must have forced my consciousness to withdraw from its identification with the unhappy and deeply fearful self, which is ultimately a fiction of the mind. This withdrawal must have been so complete that this false, suffering self immediately collapsed, just as if a plug had been pulled out of an inflatable toy. What was left then was my true nature as the ever-present I am: consciousness in its pure state prior to identification with form. Later I also learned to go into that inner timeless and deathless realm that I had originally perceived as a void and remain fully conscious. I dwelt in states of such indescribable bliss and sacredness that even the original experience I just described pales in comparison.
Maybe the time came when, for a while, I was left with nothing on the physical plane. I had no relationships, no job, no home, no socially defined identity.Maybe I should spent almost a few years sitting on park benches in a state of the most intense joy.
My mum is getting impatient with me as It is 3am and I am awaken
Here are some quotes The worst thing a guy can do is let a girl fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall....And Superficial love is when someone doesn't really love. They like. They don't take a look at the soul, instead they want the goods on the outside.
Weiling Chan yah I quote someone lah ...I like "t doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are prefect for each other
Weiling Chan Love is like the wind .U cant it ,but U can feel it and maybe God had a bigger plan for the one for you .By that time,WEILIN .U be lin the journey that wouldnt end.like he been sent to u because u are sick .to help u through all these .There will be an angel in his prefect timing...
Things were said to me that . The real test is whether he still likes and loves her after he get to know her .Although it may feel likelove , it is not necessarily real or lasting .When relationship passes the test of time , love is real . When physical chemisty is not backed up by chemistry in the mind,heart and soul , then it cannot last or grow in time . Once the pleasures and passion of the body are experienced ,without corresponding passion of the mind, heart and soiul , the physical chemisty will dissipate . Physical attraction can be sustained a lifetime only when it springs from the chemistry of mind,heart and soul as well .
Well I really enjoy talking with him and I had good times to share many encounters and motivating .Now I am abit worried that I may struck to my deep void of despair. I was thinking to send this letter .
To Kung Fu Panda,
Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. But I don't blame you for any of it. I know this is both of our faults so I don't expect you to say or do anything. I know that we are trying to fix all the screwed up things in our lives right now, and I hope we do get to make everything all better again.
I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependent upon you.
I am sorry for the way if I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will.
You are everything to me .I hope We can learn to open up to each other and let each other know how we feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I respect whatever it shall be .Even as Great Buddies or shall we or more than that ,when our heart had opened. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal.
You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, passionate and a wonderful person.The person who will obtain the key within your heart in the future will be blessed to have the love in which you are cable of giving to someone. May God Bless you and always give you the strength for you to continue to grow and love.
XOXOXO
Oh Kind of stupid right?
I cried calling my teacher earlier in the evening after work . I had sms her with shaky hands(Trembling and filled with great sadness suddenly) . I push myself to walk out of office having my last strength to call her. We arranged to meet near our office and we sat on the grass prototyping tis is a beautiful scenery to sit by and we drunk 5% alcohol beverages and talk thing out and all my fears ,lost and despair.I guess to quench my trembling .When I get shocked or upset , my anxiety would overcome me.Glad I was able to make it home .
My teacher was worried about me . At 2:45am , she sms me where am I ? She fear that I will lost my fight with the black dog .I will train to be stronger .
I told her , I suddenly lost the motivation to exercise or do anything because everything in life was a let down to me.
And my parents seem depression in me. But they cant understand the symptoms or what is it?
I went to Novena church to pray for peace and many heart matter.
Then I brought a sandbag and boxing gloves . Planning to be boxer fitness.
Then I also brought books again .Whenever I brought boxes, and go and impulsive spending , that is a sign of depression attacking me. The root problem was still inside my heart .
It was at period of these , I lived in a state of almost continuous anxiety interspersed with periods of suicidal depression.
One night not long after today ,maybe due to my insomnia , I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a car across my apartment street- everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
"I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."
I understood that the intense pressure of suffering that night must have forced my consciousness to withdraw from its identification with the unhappy and deeply fearful self, which is ultimately a fiction of the mind. This withdrawal must have been so complete that this false, suffering self immediately collapsed, just as if a plug had been pulled out of an inflatable toy. What was left then was my true nature as the ever-present I am: consciousness in its pure state prior to identification with form. Later I also learned to go into that inner timeless and deathless realm that I had originally perceived as a void and remain fully conscious. I dwelt in states of such indescribable bliss and sacredness that even the original experience I just described pales in comparison.
Maybe the time came when, for a while, I was left with nothing on the physical plane. I had no relationships, no job, no home, no socially defined identity.Maybe I should spent almost a few years sitting on park benches in a state of the most intense joy.
My mum is getting impatient with me as It is 3am and I am awaken
It is raining in my soul .Athough Novena church wasnt raining
I don’t know what he want from me . But I guess it is right . Someone said I look like a desperate lady looking for a relationship, even though I was old . I should be more confident. Men should do the chasing with the right critea . If He has no right critea like having a wife or divorced and whatever, Give it up . Don’t just be desperate. I start to imagine a lot . A few months , I went on dating site to try my luck . One advice from a friend said ,” you know why you got depressed? “ You live alone. Find a boyfriend and you sure be happier. “ So I thought I am opening my heart and get to know people and hope it would help me better
Now I feel sad , I guess someone go spreading around that I am desperate for a relationship . So I cried And on my way to go out , I meet someone who I don’t want to meet . I don’t know what he want from me? And he misunderstood I cry because of him .
Anyway I run away . And I take a train to nowhere . I ended at Novena .
I went to Novena church and talk to Jesus . I need some quiet time . I don’t want to be prototyped as desperate gal.
I don’t been said ,” U are unconfident gal and u like desperate for a relationship . If you are single , so be it .Why are u rushing?
U may end up with jerks who are making use of u to fill their empty soul .They don’t care if you are ugly or beautiful . If you are beautiful , it is bonus them . If not ,they had a fling and end everything . Wake up . keep away from all these boliao people. There is one problem with you .
YOU ARE TOO NIAVE AND YOU SIMPLY TRUST PEOPLE EASILY .
Then I came to see a sms which make me very depressed even more. Lead me on….Maybe what they were said was all true .
Tearing , I sat on the train , a man came over. Lady are u okay ? I wearily turn to guy and said I am fine .
The funny thing is my seat was empty beside me . He sat beside me and give me a tissue.
My mum rang me, and I kept crying but I couldn’t tell her why I was crying .
She got very worried. I am the most ugliest lady in this world , I wont slim down anymore. I am fat and ugly . I be on anti depressant forever. Mum I HATE THAT ….I am classified as a desperate lady , why the other went online for dating . They didn’t said him . They said me “.I yell through the phone and cried till my hear out
The man beside me ,”tap my bag and said,” Lady , you are beautiful . Sorry I overheard u said you are ugly .U know u had beautiful sharp lady features beautiful lips ,yah you are slight plump. And tell you , my friend wife is thin su yan zi .And when u see her in swimming costume. You will vomit .Yah thin people fit a lot of beautiful clothes. But been thin is not beautiful . U are not desperate. Everybody had this desire to be loved .Some can hide it very well ,maybe you didn’t disguise yourself well enough .Why did you do dating sites in office? This society is a jungle ,Lady U just didn’t meet the right one yet , I haven’t found the right one too ,but my condition wont allow me anymore .”
I look at him blindly because I am confused. Then he continue,” sorry ,I heard that you taking anti depressant . You know what I am on now? Worst than you . I got cancer in my colon .And I am on the way to tan tock seng,”
Suddenly , the tears went off . It was novena . I think his words came as a shock to me. He alighted with me and said bye bye to me on the gateway out . “Be Strong, Go do some shopping and cheer yourself up. A beautiful gal shouldn’t be crying.”
I went to novena church . Kneel down on the bench and pray .
Well………….“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”—Unknown
Sometimes we believe in “something” so much it will take a typhoon to curve our thirst. The greatest gift of believing in that “something” is what makes our heart and mind become at one with that “something”. The ability to succeed at any task or venture requires a full commitment in the process to achieve one’s goal. It is vital when faced with hopelessness; you maintain your belief in achieving success. Always remember what ever is worth having does not come to pass easily, whether that be materials or love. But if the person just want it to pass , it is not worthy anymore.
Once you achieve that “something” it is not the end of the road. You have to continually proving your worthiness to maintain that “something”. It requires constant work to maintain that “something” you wanted and sacrificed. Once you take your “something” for granted, you will eventually lose your worthiness, thus losing your precious “something”.--Mo
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I AM CONFIDENT LADY
I had a good talk with Shirleen , Lifang . And Been in confident of myself.
I think this is a great problem of mine . I feel very in confident of myself , and give people a feeling I desire a relationship and whenever I had this . Guy manipulated and no longer treasure me . I become more like a trash bag . So moral of story is work my own confident up 1st.
Eric really make me break on my nerve .But I am right . I decided to terminate that relationship and live on my life confident. He threatened me claiming that if he dun want me ,nobody want me. Make me feel low and vulnerable and other guys are out for fun , nobody will be like him .
It is okay . If I am single , I get my good friends here ,Reena ,Shirleen , Lifang , And serene and much more.Louis had become one of my best friends too.
I thankful of God for those who encourage me.
I think this is a great problem of mine . I feel very in confident of myself , and give people a feeling I desire a relationship and whenever I had this . Guy manipulated and no longer treasure me . I become more like a trash bag . So moral of story is work my own confident up 1st.
Eric really make me break on my nerve .But I am right . I decided to terminate that relationship and live on my life confident. He threatened me claiming that if he dun want me ,nobody want me. Make me feel low and vulnerable and other guys are out for fun , nobody will be like him .
It is okay . If I am single , I get my good friends here ,Reena ,Shirleen , Lifang , And serene and much more.Louis had become one of my best friends too.
I thankful of God for those who encourage me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
the words of other inspired me
It is 4:30 am .I said a prayer to Jesus asking him a lot of things . I suppose to go for a morning jog ,but last night I had asthama attack. Yesterday , the black dog found me again . I went bersek after viewing photo of my arch rival . I guess it suppose to be .Then I felt OH shit , I am ugly , worthless fat and all those crap came to me.
I start to google about my ex bf . And I found his website and found that he is married and the most funny thing is he stay around my area . I was devastated . I was thinking great , what if I met him a street and he is busily carrying a child ,and in his mind , he would ,” Thank God, I didn’t married her . She had grown into a fat ass . And google her website, it was learn t that she has went mad .”
I start to self pity myself . I had seen all the doctors in Singapore . KK Woman clinic , XXXX, Tan Tock Seng( reflux,asthma )and chinese sinseh at Eu ren Sheng which I don’t want to type it out because who may know someone evil saw this blog website and printed it out and make a blow up of it just to destroy me.
To great quotes "When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going throughNicholas Sparks (Dear John)
Fang was encouraging to me. She seldom would use terms for certain people. And she used it . She make me burst into laughter when it was about to burst into tear at my working place. Then I had a great talk with Louis . He did a lot of thing which amazed me. He took 2 year to get rid of 50Kg . So I found , boy he is patient guy . And suddenly all my fear went away . I don’t where he got the motivation and determination . But he is tough . As I look at his life story , I found that I was about to cry . I was touched . Touched and inspired by his behavior and attitude in life .I thought hello we 2 share a lot of common in terms .We blog about our life . He blog how he quit smoke ,music and weight loss . Mine was depression .I envied his blog because he could write flawless ,for me , I had to withhold myself ,for the fear of my blog would be used as a tool against me . And suddenly whatever was said to me make sense . I am glad I talked to him. That makes me easier for me to figure what to do . My mind was gathered and calmed down by words of these kind nice people . They help me to disassociate the bad things .
SO THEN I was motivated to go for my kickboxing by them .But there my teacher was emphasizing on me .Because I was kick the air and very unable to focus . I was thinking of Louis,oh the words he said . U want to give up now ? Why did you join so many exercise classes ? So now u want to give up ? Then my thoughts drift to what present should I get for my Gemini friends ..Then my teacher keep waving her hands in front of me to get my attention . But I was tired and shaking .
So after kickboxing , once again I indulge in some shopping therapy . I wanted to buy a box of twin box redonzed which is advertised on TV , film by actress who used it slim down easily .I was unwillingly as my budget hit high as I spend on Doctor fees on serveral clinics . And some I cannot claim ,because it would use as instructment against me. So I sms him , and I am so glad that he helped me figure out what is much easier for me to do . Exercise is better or accunptune . We had a great talk .
He kept my mind off greifing moment and my negativity .
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever"
So I decided that I will start a battle plan . Get in control of me .
Maybe get CBT to help myself . Professional Counseling of myself .But that will be difficult as I couldn’t get off as easy as ABC .and professional counseling is not cheap.
Then slowly wean of the anti-depressant . Jay and Louis kept giving me hope that I can be healthy back . I can be back to my old self .Filled with confident and hope.
Keep myself busy with activities I love . volunteering , Marathon , cut down on shopping. Mingle with friends .negative ones say bye bye and bring more positive ones. For eg , I was make a joke of the way I walked in office as awkward lady who had been fucked by people in the past , and that caused me very sensitive when Louis make remarks out of casualness.
Pick Up photography . Register my piano lessons ? Wake up each day to run . Louis could run 10km everyday .So I must do it .Smell the flowers..
Living this life …maybe as fang said the right person haven’t come yet . When he do . We will fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it."
It is 5am . I need to force myself to sleep as I need gather energy for my office work and give all my best . "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common lady with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)
I start to google about my ex bf . And I found his website and found that he is married and the most funny thing is he stay around my area . I was devastated . I was thinking great , what if I met him a street and he is busily carrying a child ,and in his mind , he would ,” Thank God, I didn’t married her . She had grown into a fat ass . And google her website, it was learn t that she has went mad .”
I start to self pity myself . I had seen all the doctors in Singapore . KK Woman clinic , XXXX, Tan Tock Seng( reflux,asthma )and chinese sinseh at Eu ren Sheng which I don’t want to type it out because who may know someone evil saw this blog website and printed it out and make a blow up of it just to destroy me.
To great quotes "When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going throughNicholas Sparks (Dear John)
Fang was encouraging to me. She seldom would use terms for certain people. And she used it . She make me burst into laughter when it was about to burst into tear at my working place. Then I had a great talk with Louis . He did a lot of thing which amazed me. He took 2 year to get rid of 50Kg . So I found , boy he is patient guy . And suddenly all my fear went away . I don’t where he got the motivation and determination . But he is tough . As I look at his life story , I found that I was about to cry . I was touched . Touched and inspired by his behavior and attitude in life .I thought hello we 2 share a lot of common in terms .We blog about our life . He blog how he quit smoke ,music and weight loss . Mine was depression .I envied his blog because he could write flawless ,for me , I had to withhold myself ,for the fear of my blog would be used as a tool against me . And suddenly whatever was said to me make sense . I am glad I talked to him. That makes me easier for me to figure what to do . My mind was gathered and calmed down by words of these kind nice people . They help me to disassociate the bad things .
SO THEN I was motivated to go for my kickboxing by them .But there my teacher was emphasizing on me .Because I was kick the air and very unable to focus . I was thinking of Louis,oh the words he said . U want to give up now ? Why did you join so many exercise classes ? So now u want to give up ? Then my thoughts drift to what present should I get for my Gemini friends ..Then my teacher keep waving her hands in front of me to get my attention . But I was tired and shaking .
So after kickboxing , once again I indulge in some shopping therapy . I wanted to buy a box of twin box redonzed which is advertised on TV , film by actress who used it slim down easily .I was unwillingly as my budget hit high as I spend on Doctor fees on serveral clinics . And some I cannot claim ,because it would use as instructment against me. So I sms him , and I am so glad that he helped me figure out what is much easier for me to do . Exercise is better or accunptune . We had a great talk .
He kept my mind off greifing moment and my negativity .
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever"
So I decided that I will start a battle plan . Get in control of me .
Maybe get CBT to help myself . Professional Counseling of myself .But that will be difficult as I couldn’t get off as easy as ABC .and professional counseling is not cheap.
Then slowly wean of the anti-depressant . Jay and Louis kept giving me hope that I can be healthy back . I can be back to my old self .Filled with confident and hope.
Keep myself busy with activities I love . volunteering , Marathon , cut down on shopping. Mingle with friends .negative ones say bye bye and bring more positive ones. For eg , I was make a joke of the way I walked in office as awkward lady who had been fucked by people in the past , and that caused me very sensitive when Louis make remarks out of casualness.
Pick Up photography . Register my piano lessons ? Wake up each day to run . Louis could run 10km everyday .So I must do it .Smell the flowers..
Living this life …maybe as fang said the right person haven’t come yet . When he do . We will fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it."
It is 5am . I need to force myself to sleep as I need gather energy for my office work and give all my best . "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common lady with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)
Just felt like a fool
Suddenly I feel I am sad little gal .
I had no friends. I do have .but I suddenly feel the sense of everything I do have.
No .there wasnt any photo of mine in thier facebook. It is always others. Then
suddenly i felt like a fool.
why did I ask so much?
why did I feel like a fool?
I had no friends. I do have .but I suddenly feel the sense of everything I do have.
No .there wasnt any photo of mine in thier facebook. It is always others. Then
suddenly i felt like a fool.
why did I ask so much?
why did I feel like a fool?
Monday, June 6, 2011
I had more cups than Ever.
My mum always make herbal water for me .One is for coffee .Another is for my tea making . I love rose tea drink .
So end up I had alot of cups in my table.
Sigh i was scolded by having so much cups and making a mess .
But ....And I did cosmic for my office PC...yah .. I was told to remove it .and after a while , My compuslive disorder get onto me. From a twinkle stars i change to winne the pooh.
these are the craps I brought to help myself
Whatever..Here a look how I mess my office place.
I keep a lot of nutrition . I am firm believe in nutrition . I was desperate to get well quick .
Here is the photos.
I brought alot of Vitamins and mineral and sometimes I know my collegues and friends worried for me. Well .It is just you are desperate . U want to get back to health as fast as you can . And thus you dont want to reply on SSRI , you start to look into nutrition and supplements . But I thank those friend who care about me .
Fat and Worthless ..
Sometimes It is good to be ignorant . Because the more you don’t know , the less pain u had.Suddenly I think I cant be her. She is sweet and beautiful . I am fat and ugly . I don’t know when I will go back to those day without my drugs and kick off this weight. So afterall , I am not good enough .But I feel kind of crushed . because he Childish me had a dream...
Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."— Nicholas Sparks (Three Weeks with My Brother)
Suddenly the horoscope was right . I become vulnerable. Maybe It I stime I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
I tried interval training again . Yesterday my aerobic teacher shared with that I had a weak leg . I agreed . And she emphasis on doing squats to train up and tone the muscle else I will always had aches .Because the muscle is weak . And today I went to the gym .There were someone fighting with me for a machine .Well , I just see him as a little boy who want to book the machine where he slowly use the other machine but placed his playstation on his threadmill . I start to think .Typical singapoream .Why cant we just be more gracious by giving other a chance to use the threadmill since u are doing other machines.
Suddenly I feel a sense of gloominess coming over me.
It is not inside that matter in this world . It is the outer. Elana never know how I felt . She is beautiful . She is slim .But she felt that she is ugly as she stated as a blessing of disguise . Human are funny creatures. But I think I feel the pain of been fat . Because been fat will give u a lot of problem.
Fat people are classify as lazy .
Fat people are blamed for food lose in buffet.
Fat people just don’t get priority in love.
Fat People cant find clothes easily.
Nomatter then I suddenly felt he went for a surgery because of her.
Oh Shit .Then I start to feel “YUCKS.” Fat, worthless, ugly. Feel like crying
I am back now from clicking her picture . HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. But now that I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.
Someone start to tell me Yah we normally tend to idealize people who we don't really know so good. Maybe If you knew her better, you would find flaws in her. Like everybody, she has flaws and virtues, that means You also have virtues and good good features, even if you don't see it... maybe she thinks that YOU are better than her...who knows... anyway i know the feeling of feeling inferior and having to compare myself with other girls...and i'm always the ugliest, fattest, loser...in my eyes, so...i understand completely.
Hahaha..
But
Why everybody had a reason for something ?
U want to beautiful so that u attract guys . But what kind of guys are u attracting? Shallow and guys who may or may not love you a lifetime and u keep trying so hard to keep this guy and your beauty .
If beauty was very important . All the beauty wouldn’t had their hubby leaving them. Because after a while , it is the character and living together make the difference.
Humans: we are all nothing more then an insignificant spoke In a giant cosmic cog that we can not understand... We don't know why were here, who we are, or what the world is. All we know is what has been set up for us by other humans.. Some unstoppable social precedent that demands certain things that we strive to meet... Life is not about reaching perfection or anywhere near it, life is about enjoying moments and doing what you love. Don't read this and think that I don't understand since I'm not anerexic.. I struggle from severe depression but coping and facing your problem head on is the only solution. Change ur state of mind, love yourself and people will love you. Your body is not the most important thing
Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart."— Nicholas Sparks (Three Weeks with My Brother)
Suddenly the horoscope was right . I become vulnerable. Maybe It I stime I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
I tried interval training again . Yesterday my aerobic teacher shared with that I had a weak leg . I agreed . And she emphasis on doing squats to train up and tone the muscle else I will always had aches .Because the muscle is weak . And today I went to the gym .There were someone fighting with me for a machine .Well , I just see him as a little boy who want to book the machine where he slowly use the other machine but placed his playstation on his threadmill . I start to think .Typical singapoream .Why cant we just be more gracious by giving other a chance to use the threadmill since u are doing other machines.
Suddenly I feel a sense of gloominess coming over me.
It is not inside that matter in this world . It is the outer. Elana never know how I felt . She is beautiful . She is slim .But she felt that she is ugly as she stated as a blessing of disguise . Human are funny creatures. But I think I feel the pain of been fat . Because been fat will give u a lot of problem.
Fat people are classify as lazy .
Fat people are blamed for food lose in buffet.
Fat people just don’t get priority in love.
Fat People cant find clothes easily.
Nomatter then I suddenly felt he went for a surgery because of her.
Oh Shit .Then I start to feel “YUCKS.” Fat, worthless, ugly. Feel like crying
I am back now from clicking her picture . HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. But now that I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.
Someone start to tell me Yah we normally tend to idealize people who we don't really know so good. Maybe If you knew her better, you would find flaws in her. Like everybody, she has flaws and virtues, that means You also have virtues and good good features, even if you don't see it... maybe she thinks that YOU are better than her...who knows... anyway i know the feeling of feeling inferior and having to compare myself with other girls...and i'm always the ugliest, fattest, loser...in my eyes, so...i understand completely.
Hahaha..
But
Why everybody had a reason for something ?
U want to beautiful so that u attract guys . But what kind of guys are u attracting? Shallow and guys who may or may not love you a lifetime and u keep trying so hard to keep this guy and your beauty .
If beauty was very important . All the beauty wouldn’t had their hubby leaving them. Because after a while , it is the character and living together make the difference.
Humans: we are all nothing more then an insignificant spoke In a giant cosmic cog that we can not understand... We don't know why were here, who we are, or what the world is. All we know is what has been set up for us by other humans.. Some unstoppable social precedent that demands certain things that we strive to meet... Life is not about reaching perfection or anywhere near it, life is about enjoying moments and doing what you love. Don't read this and think that I don't understand since I'm not anerexic.. I struggle from severe depression but coping and facing your problem head on is the only solution. Change ur state of mind, love yourself and people will love you. Your body is not the most important thing
Not suppose to BE ONLINE AT night ...But ...
Today I went for aerobic classes. I couldn’t catch up with the step . I had a nice walk with my aerobic teacher home . I felt quite down as I feel I couldn’t catch the step .I feel I am like a clumsy elephant jumping on a step board.
I feel shameful to be in arebic classes with many beautiful ladies. I walked home with my aerobic teacher and she share a lot of good stories , and she gave me bak chang .But I am too pai she to accept it .but I think her mum got the heart to give me . I really wanted it .But feel to pai she to take.
But Today I had a good day . I had a chit chat with Fang Fang in office whole day .Then stalk someone on facebook.
Finally I was assigned task to do . Jiahao offered me mentoes and I became addicted to it and start taking more than 3 of his sweets.Jiahao start to say I took 3 already . I told him , I buy 1 dozen to pay him back .then I went to find Shirleen , and Shirleen helped me , when I asked her to help me to get mentoes on her way .She did and she gave me as present , I wanted to pay her but she refuse and I give it to Jiahao and make a small joke of it .Then I found these bunch of friends accept me for who I am , and what I am .I am blessed to know them.
The only thing I am abit worried when will I slim down , I am very Worried that I will not able to wean off my SSRI and will I forever be in current shape. But then there were some encouragement given by people around me.
I not supposed to be online at this hour because it caused me to be sleepless whenever I surf the net at night . Doctor instructed me of sleep hygiene and keeping away from things that excite me ...But I came online to check blog and have a nice chat with Edward cullen.
I feel shameful to be in arebic classes with many beautiful ladies. I walked home with my aerobic teacher and she share a lot of good stories , and she gave me bak chang .But I am too pai she to accept it .but I think her mum got the heart to give me . I really wanted it .But feel to pai she to take.
But Today I had a good day . I had a chit chat with Fang Fang in office whole day .Then stalk someone on facebook.
Finally I was assigned task to do . Jiahao offered me mentoes and I became addicted to it and start taking more than 3 of his sweets.Jiahao start to say I took 3 already . I told him , I buy 1 dozen to pay him back .then I went to find Shirleen , and Shirleen helped me , when I asked her to help me to get mentoes on her way .She did and she gave me as present , I wanted to pay her but she refuse and I give it to Jiahao and make a small joke of it .Then I found these bunch of friends accept me for who I am , and what I am .I am blessed to know them.
The only thing I am abit worried when will I slim down , I am very Worried that I will not able to wean off my SSRI and will I forever be in current shape. But then there were some encouragement given by people around me.
I not supposed to be online at this hour because it caused me to be sleepless whenever I surf the net at night . Doctor instructed me of sleep hygiene and keeping away from things that excite me ...But I came online to check blog and have a nice chat with Edward cullen.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
When will the bright light appear?
I feel extremely fatigued in the rmoning and I wonder when will I came back to those day where I am referesh awaken and not tired and nomore big tummy .( I was misunderstood as pregant lady and people give up thier place for me) To the hell , Why am I suffering from a big tummy?
Finding direction and things to keep my mind away from the black dog.
It is not easy . I wanted to help my cousin to fix his website but I got angry knowing that he didn’t invite me for his new baby reception. And my uncle was fast to invite my dad because they want to use my dad to send my grand mum to the place.
I remember going to his place and I was hungry . He was a busy doctor and he said I can wait for him . I waited from morning till night .Then he just say you do this and that .I remember he insulted me. No guy would want me because I am ugly and having no degree. And Now I got a degree. He cliam I am ugly . I am frsurated .He is just dumb and he just had a rich dad who send him oversea when he cant make it in singapore school system.
I start to hate the line drawn between the rich and poor . I dread beening me.
I was struck in facebook , coming in to check my Farmville stocks and café world. I think I am like crazy .
I felt so tried thinking when will I see the good times to comes? When will it come?
When will I shred off this weight ?
When I start to see a direction in my career?
When will I find a loved one ,someone who love me as deep as I love him and create a happy family with him?
When will I get rid of the anti depressant medicine and gloomly thoughts ?
When will thing start to get right ?
At first , I tried to bluff myself listening to Louise Hay and law of attraction .But then . It seem NOTHING . I tried to kill myself on Friday . Aburst . I don’t know why I do that . I felt so frustrated of beening me.
Good thing I tried running yesterday . I run only 4.7 mile . Well , It shake off the black dog for a while..
Now suddenly I felt empty and a quiet sense of emptiness.
Finding direction and things to keep my mind away from the black dog.
It is not easy . I wanted to help my cousin to fix his website but I got angry knowing that he didn’t invite me for his new baby reception. And my uncle was fast to invite my dad because they want to use my dad to send my grand mum to the place.
I remember going to his place and I was hungry . He was a busy doctor and he said I can wait for him . I waited from morning till night .Then he just say you do this and that .I remember he insulted me. No guy would want me because I am ugly and having no degree. And Now I got a degree. He cliam I am ugly . I am frsurated .He is just dumb and he just had a rich dad who send him oversea when he cant make it in singapore school system.
I start to hate the line drawn between the rich and poor . I dread beening me.
I was struck in facebook , coming in to check my Farmville stocks and café world. I think I am like crazy .
I felt so tried thinking when will I see the good times to comes? When will it come?
When will I shred off this weight ?
When I start to see a direction in my career?
When will I find a loved one ,someone who love me as deep as I love him and create a happy family with him?
When will I get rid of the anti depressant medicine and gloomly thoughts ?
When will thing start to get right ?
At first , I tried to bluff myself listening to Louise Hay and law of attraction .But then . It seem NOTHING . I tried to kill myself on Friday . Aburst . I don’t know why I do that . I felt so frustrated of beening me.
Good thing I tried running yesterday . I run only 4.7 mile . Well , It shake off the black dog for a while..
Now suddenly I felt empty and a quiet sense of emptiness.
Friday, June 3, 2011
the difference of line drawn between
The weekend had come . I could go for a movie with someone . He asked me .But I didnt go with him.
I am very disturbed when I know too much things.
I feel this world is unfair. The rich would get richer and richer. The poorer become more poorer. I hate the line drawn between the line of richer and poor.
Been Poor
My grandmum slept on Changi Airport Expressway underneath.
Been Rich
My dad grandmum got an accident but then get the best doctor to treat her.
Been Poor .
I struggled to pay my own university.
Been Rich .
Didnt do well for PSLE , and off , he was sent to oversea .
Been Poor .
You can work under people.
BEEN RICH .
U work for yourself . the sad thing is you abused people.
been poor .
You cant go some slimming session in wish u get slim back.
Been rich
You go slimming session .
Been Poor
U get to be gunie pig for medical officer and put on tested drug .
Been Rich
U get a professor and then u get the best drug with less side effects..
Been Poor .
grandmum died of cancer...and left with 5 mental retard children being.
Been Rich .
She just grumbled that we are not filal enough.....
Been Poor ...
To hell..........
I am very disturbed when I know too much things.
I feel this world is unfair. The rich would get richer and richer. The poorer become more poorer. I hate the line drawn between the line of richer and poor.
Been Poor
My grandmum slept on Changi Airport Expressway underneath.
Been Rich
My dad grandmum got an accident but then get the best doctor to treat her.
Been Poor .
I struggled to pay my own university.
Been Rich .
Didnt do well for PSLE , and off , he was sent to oversea .
Been Poor .
You can work under people.
BEEN RICH .
U work for yourself . the sad thing is you abused people.
been poor .
You cant go some slimming session in wish u get slim back.
Been rich
You go slimming session .
Been Poor
U get to be gunie pig for medical officer and put on tested drug .
Been Rich
U get a professor and then u get the best drug with less side effects..
Been Poor .
grandmum died of cancer...and left with 5 mental retard children being.
Been Rich .
She just grumbled that we are not filal enough.....
Been Poor ...
To hell..........
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Imagine is a black dog tactic
Imagine what else may contribute to the outcome you’re assuming
personal responsibility for. Your friend may have lost his job or be suffering
from depression. Despite your best efforts to cheer him up, these
factors are outside your control.
✓ Consider why people may be responding to you in a certain way.
Don’t jump to the conclusion that someone’s response relates directly
to you. For example, your friend may be having a difficult day or be in a
big hurry – he may even feel sorry for not stopping to talk to you.
Because you really aren’t the centre of the universe, look for explanations of
events that have little or nothing to do with you.
personal responsibility for. Your friend may have lost his job or be suffering
from depression. Despite your best efforts to cheer him up, these
factors are outside your control.
✓ Consider why people may be responding to you in a certain way.
Don’t jump to the conclusion that someone’s response relates directly
to you. For example, your friend may be having a difficult day or be in a
big hurry – he may even feel sorry for not stopping to talk to you.
Because you really aren’t the centre of the universe, look for explanations of
events that have little or nothing to do with you.
The things I need to KNow
✓ Pay attention to language. Replace words like ‘must’, ‘need’ and
‘should’ with ‘prefer’, ‘wish’ and ‘want’.
✓ Limit approval seeking. Can you manage to have a satisfying life even
if you don’t get the approval of everyone you seek it from? Specifically,
you’ll feel more confident in social situations if you recognise your preference
for approval rather than viewing approval as a dire need.
Understand that the world doesn’t play to your rules. In fact, other
people tend to have their own rulebooks. So, no matter how much you
value considerate behaviour, your friends may not give it the same
value. If you can give others the right to not live up to your standards,
you’ll feel less hurt when they fail to do so.
✓ Retain your standards, ideals and preferences, and ditch your rigid
demands about how you, others and the world ‘have to’ be. So keep
acting consistently with how you would like things to be rather than
becoming depressed or irate about things not being the way you believe
they must be.
When you hold rigid demands about the way things ‘have got to be’, you have
no margin for deviation or error. You leave yourself vulnerable to experiencing
exaggerated emotional disturbance when things in life just don’t go your way
‘should’ with ‘prefer’, ‘wish’ and ‘want’.
✓ Limit approval seeking. Can you manage to have a satisfying life even
if you don’t get the approval of everyone you seek it from? Specifically,
you’ll feel more confident in social situations if you recognise your preference
for approval rather than viewing approval as a dire need.
Understand that the world doesn’t play to your rules. In fact, other
people tend to have their own rulebooks. So, no matter how much you
value considerate behaviour, your friends may not give it the same
value. If you can give others the right to not live up to your standards,
you’ll feel less hurt when they fail to do so.
✓ Retain your standards, ideals and preferences, and ditch your rigid
demands about how you, others and the world ‘have to’ be. So keep
acting consistently with how you would like things to be rather than
becoming depressed or irate about things not being the way you believe
they must be.
When you hold rigid demands about the way things ‘have got to be’, you have
no margin for deviation or error. You leave yourself vulnerable to experiencing
exaggerated emotional disturbance when things in life just don’t go your way
LABELLINGS ...
Fortune teller
Emotional Reasoning
Overgeneralising
Labels, and the process of labelling people and events, are everywhere. For
example, people who have low self-esteem may label themselves as ‘worthless’,
‘inferior’ or ‘inadequate’
A- B- C
I am very disturbed within my soul. I know something was right with me.
What was it ?
A->Event- I fail something.
B0 You believe I should've done better .This mean I am a failue
C->I experience depression (emotion) , sudden surge for food(overeating)
Be realistic .
You can’t possibly get through life without making mistakes.
One doughnut doesn’t a diet ruin. Remind yourself of your goal,
forgive yourself for the minor slip, and resume your diet.
An alternative to all-or-nothing
thinking is both–and reasoning. You need to mentally allow two seeming
opposites to exist together. You can both succeed in your overall educational
goals and fail a test or two. Life is not a case of being either a success
or a failure. You can both assume that you’re an okay person as you
are and strive to change
All-or-nothing thinking can sabotage goal-directed behaviour. You’re far more
likely to throw in the towel at the first sign of something blocking your goal
when you refuse to allow a margin for error. Beware of ‘either/or’ statements
and global labels such as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘success’ and ‘failure’. Neither
people nor life situations are often that cut and dry.
What was it ?
A->Event- I fail something.
B0 You believe I should've done better .This mean I am a failue
C->I experience depression (emotion) , sudden surge for food(overeating)
Be realistic .
You can’t possibly get through life without making mistakes.
One doughnut doesn’t a diet ruin. Remind yourself of your goal,
forgive yourself for the minor slip, and resume your diet.
An alternative to all-or-nothing
thinking is both–and reasoning. You need to mentally allow two seeming
opposites to exist together. You can both succeed in your overall educational
goals and fail a test or two. Life is not a case of being either a success
or a failure. You can both assume that you’re an okay person as you
are and strive to change
All-or-nothing thinking can sabotage goal-directed behaviour. You’re far more
likely to throw in the towel at the first sign of something blocking your goal
when you refuse to allow a margin for error. Beware of ‘either/or’ statements
and global labels such as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘success’ and ‘failure’. Neither
people nor life situations are often that cut and dry.
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