u need to groom yourself ...

I love been classify as "Beautiful" today by the cute Shirleen . I love her honesty and bluntness. Beening with her , I never worried too much . She is more true friend more trurer than anybody . She would say I am beautiful at certain day only.That make her comments feel more true to me .


So based on what she say ,I realized what my mum said was right . "I cant be bother to make up ." Yah . I feel it is very troublecome to dress up and make up . I like to be some slack and in causal wear , in a light coolmax T-Shirt and a big size basketball short that my brother wear them for basketball session . It is so comfortable. who cares if I look like a pregnant lady in that .But you named it . After people giving remarks , it hurt me abit .OuCH.!

So someone in office would cheekly asked me and joked ,” Are u in love lately, we find there is sunshine in you ?”


In love? I dont know what is love ? Sometimes I think love is something you cant know. And when u least know it , it come knocking at your door . Hanqiang you are one strong example of this .

So sometimes I strong feel if the right person come , he would just come . And I had to make myself one full person first .I dont know how to love myself , at times I hate myself , my existence and been me .So I am trying very hard to be one complete person before I find the complete person to make 2 become 1 .


As it is the unity of 1 person with another person . I dont believe in half + half become one. LOVE NEVER FAILS .

In love ? I dont know .But I only make up or dressed up for special occasion. For presentation or gathering .Else you named it .

So In love lately ? Someone joked with me . I can say honestly I dont know .To early to say that.

.But I know I found true friend and this is a charming friend Prince of Persia , the sand of time . I never expect him not to depise me.Because I had always think Charming guy would always only take care or bother about pretty ladies. The rest .They become the extra who make the beautiful look out . Yah . I am sterotyping . I agreed .But somehow isnt this world is for the beautiful people. I always feel charming people appear in magazines and the charming guy would drive the beautiful gal home . Ugly Fat Glee Lady .they belong to the crying session of the movie. So This guy prince of Persia really amazed me . I never expect a charming guy like him to be my friend.Okay !We both agreed that we will be VERY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.Nobody get hurt in beening good friends.

But back to me,I strongly belive that people after seeing my photo ,they would get turn off . But to be honest , in year of my life as I grew fatter due to side effect of medicine , and also my depression, I am obessed with food . I eat whenever I am stress . I can feast on ice-cream (one pint of it) , chocolates big bar . I just feel horrible and after feasting on them . I had a short moment of happiness,but forever pain of extra pound on me .So ever since I become Sammi Cheng Movie" Fat Gal". I guess ...for the first time, Sxxxzz wasn’t turn off by me . He was a young boy.I think he is young little boy . There was one sad thing was he wasn’t honest with his age with me ,for fear of losing our friendship. And because of his age mystery,I had to ask him a few times and then it ended up that one fine day ,he confronted me suddenly and cliamed that I am not interested in him and he wish me all the best .

I felt his confession came too fast and got me freak out . I told him ,” I need time to get to know people . He argued that I can just enjoy his chasing and he argue that He cant help beening nice to me, and I am quite adorable and he really like me.”

For the frist time after I am on Ant I depressant and increase in weight . Yoda ,U believe I will be back to where I used to be . I dont think I will . Maybe I can , if someone motivate me to exercise . Yah Shawn and May .hahahah..they motivate to go back to daily routine of lunch workout .
But beening fat ,I never believed anybody would find flavor in me or like me.
I realized , Subba was right . I may not know who am I . At times, I am quite charmatic , and I am funny and whenever I laugh , I become very beautiful . He shared about I care about people alot , considerate ,caring,respect for the elder , love animals ,helpful and a kind heart was something which attract him to me. He said he dont understand why I keep emphasis on my weight .Well .He strongly believe that beauty is in the eye of be holder . Okay . I better not self boast about myself .No But I guess I was very inferior after all . And this morning , I recieved encouraging mail from Adrain. He was funny when he say you are fat , SO WHAT .

The way that Adrain put it seem cool to me .Adrain, he also empthasize that as ladies we tend to be obessed with our weight and maybe he is a guy.

Well, Yah ,Depression black dog had taken a bad bite at me .I then honestly tell him that I used to be slim and this sudden change seem to crash me further down in despair.And I meet some evil people who really been shallow and sacastic.

Well. yesterday I email my photo to Mr Manhunt. and at first my depression black dog start barking at me again . after a few hours,He didn’t sms me back . I get senstive. So I thought," oh , maybe he afterall wanted a beautiful friend . " And the monster inside me kept saying,"U are SO UGLY and see u freak him out again ."

But I swallowed my pride and I sms him again after a few hours, just to say thank you . Then I learnt that he didn’t receive my photo yet . OH well again , I nearly doubt someone's friendship because of the monster inside of me . You cant blame me ,"I always feel people will like beautiful things . To be fair , I also love my dog because he is cute and adorable . I didn’t love my neighbor hotdog dog because I feel that neighbour dog is the out of proportion size . SO I learnt afterall we all are human.

Maybe I should forgive and thank when someone been honest to reject me and call me AUNTIES at time at Bus . I felt super embrassed when ,people say to thier children ,"Thank Aunty for giving up her seat to u"

OKAY ." I am AUNTY already . I am not married . SINGLE and they called me aunty .What hurting most is when a young boy who give up his seat because he think I am pregnant .Great.My Basketball shorts and Big Sized COOL MAX T-SHIRT!

Mr Prince of Persia impressed me a lot , when He say he like been true and been close to the nature . That impressed me . How many people out there ,will want to see a friend fresh out of bed ,messy hairstyle or preparing to go to bed. That make me feel your friendship is truer to me. Yah ,There are people We see each other in camping trips .And I never been confident whenever I had no make up over me . So I dont go camp.

But to be honest, I also love to see the nature side of one person . SO I believe there are a number of people whom they are not some shallow people .A Good friend of mine. Prince of Persia .I am blessed indeed to know him and times ,He would bring light to my gloomy day and make me giggles. We promise to be good friend .VERY GOOD FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.....

I don’t want to list out more wonderful people i met …and I think u all know who u are and therefore you are brought to website . Mr Manhunter sms me back “ Have some confident of yourself .” “ No worries lah . I am not handsome.”

But well I strongly felt that manhunter is better looking than me . Due to fact knowing that I am depressed and turn plumper by 20kg now. OPPS I hope I can bring it down . So that made me totally feel SUPER inconfident and horrible negative about everything .So thanks Mr man hunter! But I think U are from Manhunt and yet you humbly state you are not handsome . U all make me to think that I had to change the sterotype of charming guys who not be shallow guys .

Sometimes ,I wonder if Manhunt,are u out to comfort me .But yah …Nice people do exist afterall in this life I am living . I had to trust the power who give this life to love here. I must learn that I need to forgive other and learn to kind to ourselves mentally .I released all need for anger , resentment and blame . I truly forgive all those that need forgiving and I forgive myself . I look forward to this day with love and peace and joy and anticipation of abundance good in every area. Whereever you are going today send love to that place.


WHY AM I SO INCONFIDENT , INSECURE? my childhood.

Well I remember when I was little young lady , My funny dad would always bluff me to shopping malls and then he purposely let me wonder off to my favourite toy section. That period , my favourite toy was “ Mickey Mouse”. And then I ended up crying with that small mickey moouse,when I found that my dad disappear. My dad went back to his hawker stall . I carried the mickey mouse on my hand and walked out of the department store and I cried looking for my lost dad .

I guess I felt abandoned and insecured after that . And btw , the little Mickey mouse is still with me .



My dad felt that if we will to take the toy back . The department store would think I stole the toy . And whatever …. I wonder that why nobody bother to ask me why I am crying at the shopping department store. And The toy become a trademark of my dad abandon me to do his business and one friend joked , why didn’t u take something more expensive . It is only a small mickey mouse as above the picture.hahahahah.. I think back …
I guess in the midst of the beautiful colorful world , there are some kind true souls out there.


I am quite excited as I will be volunteering and I may be able to HELP PEOPLE and good Friday I will able to do my volunteer work for dogs.

As Louise Hay state .

SEND LOVE TO WHEEVER YOU ARE GOING , Whether you are going to work , send love ahead of you .
To the place , the building , to the equipment , to the people you work with and work for .

Let us declare that THIS IS A HEALTHY AND HARMOIOUS LOVING PROSPER CREATIVE DAY FOR YOU .IT WILL FILLED WTH JOY , YOU WILL WELCOME CHANGE AND ADVENTURE AND THEY WILL BRING NEW people AND NEW adventure . BLESS THEM WITH LOVE .The love you send to them will return to u multiply .
THIS IS NEW DAY AND THIS IS GOOD DAY ! THIS IS BEST DAY . THIS IS THE NEW BEGINNING . GO FORTH AND ENJOY ALL THAT IT BRINGS .