Carry me Home ....

Intensive pain …
I am very down lately .But I think I want to thank friend who brought me through like Louis , Serene, Smac and Lifang.

I find it hard to think right again .for sudden, I sat there , often with silent tears rolling my cheeks ,devastated ,this had returned , determined I was going to beat it . I had work hard to get back to this level , I deserved it and now I was at risk of losing it all . Sleep was elusive and I couldn’t think . Concentration is impossible. I couldn’t barely hear or understand what was infront of me.
I wanted someone to talk to me . So I msn my good friend , Serene and Lifang and others.

Lifang and Serene had been telling me many good things of me ,I appreciate 2 of best girlfriends.They give me hundred reason to be strong .But every good thing , I will counter it with my negativity .

I asked those who are good in whatever I am learning now ...And they (Jay and Smac)did help me .Smac even gave me the answer to questions ,But I become more and more panicky because I still catch no ball about the whole thing .What should I do tomorrow ..They are assesing me tomorrow .Louis told me some encouraging words But the funny thing is Nothing reassured me for long .I was too afraid of been criticized to make mistakes,I was too afraid that I dont understand what I was sent to do , and then I don't do well , and then all the anxiety and fear just crept over me. Suddenly I was too afraid losing a job I had worked hard for. But just because I fail , I lost a job ? I wonder if I am imaging too much.

A number of events trigger that black dog to return again .

I felt insulted when someone EMPHASIZED,”You were NOT the type for me , I prefer petite size type.” But HELLO , I didn’t asked to be wanted .

"Oh , I am glad that I was rejected . Now I am happily married with a baby . And you ended up a old fat HAG ."

....

I felt alone suddenly . Suddenly there I was , one of 5 people in a tiny room without windows whereby lecturer conducting lesson .I cant make out what had been thought . although I had some training in this . Silence reigned as we tapped at the computer key when the lecturer stop . The lecturer was teaching us .

I guess, My already struggling self-esteem eroded by events after events .

the news of the blogger who tried to kill herself end up IMH . Some remarks was made , I get sensitive and felt that they are targeting at me .

Yah ... I remember ,"Sometimes it is very sad that you are in unhelpful environment which would trigger much more problem . With people who are not empathy enough , make joy by hurting other .But that life , you had to fight it ."

I was determined to ignore all the other personality traits ,but the black dog of depression attacked aggressively . So I suddenly crashed . There were no warnings , no incident to set me off . I just began crying inconsolably silently .

The characters on the computer screen swim before me as I stare at them blankly through eyes blurred by a prism of tears – my fist is clenched around a soggy tissuse .

I continually leave my desk to avoid the concerned glance of other and lock myself in the toilet where I scrunch up on the floor and break down completely . My emotions screamed ,” I just cant do this anymore.”

While my brain hollered back .Don’t be stupid you are a wimp , you should be able to cope with this . Like a tennis volley , the self recrimination flew back and forth until my emotions dragged me into vortex of effectiveness. To others who know me, they think I am very proud aggro ant and lazy (because I am fat) to me , I am anguished , anxious , despairing .

The used to be friendly and warm personality of mine was brought down to insecure and fear ,or beening not wanted , feel uselss . There were no barriers to protect me from abrasive nature surrounding me.


But I was fortunate, though , I am surrounded by friends who posses attributes of compassion and empathy .

I click on things to distract me from this black dog .looking at lifes of other and found how active one will,looking at thier similing face , and people who leave encouraging message to me I feel like yelling ..U dont know me , U never seen me now . I AM FAT AND UGLY . Then I continue to click then I felt that my peers how one can live strongly nomatter what the storm are.


Happy similing faces , having hobby of one life , and ..yah ..these surfing of pictures of people make me feel slighty better. Surfing photo ,talking to them is a welcome distraction . I use it to pull me out of the malaise , a comforting distraction from what in my head .

The support and understanding I received from those who know of my condition is hearting and this is what has helped me most . And it was important part of my coping process to know the people aware of the roller coaster ride of that clinical depression can take me on . Not as a ploy to gain sympathy or as excuse not to carry out the requirement of my job ,but to give them an understanding of why there may be days when I am non communicative and quiet and don’t wish to engage in conversation .

It is important that they know the problem is mine not their.


Today SONG of the day .
http://youtu.be/2IFF9yu5i3k

Really Hope That someone will carry me home ONEDAY .....