Superficial world- encouragement from someone

Well, you got that bit right - the world is superficial. Care about the true things in life, the God centred ones, integrity, honesty, the ability to love everyone, and if someone says the wrong words to you, sit down and ask yourself are they really happy, or are they sad that they have to criticize everyone else? Someone who is insecure will always find something wrong with everyone else, it makes them feel good about themself. I also bet that their wife will always be inferior to them to make them feel better. Be grateful to God that you didn't get lumbered with that one!

XXXXXXXXXX
PS always better to see someone in the mirror that is bouncing around than being a slob and seeing a blob in the mirror!!!!

As the wind blows, you must set your sail

I need to THINk Straight .

I finally decided to let go of everything and letting the winds take my ride.
I think I am .... abit...childish ,doing alot of silly things .
Maybe I should
Stop Thinking ...
Stop Wishing ..
Stop Daydreaming.
Stop hoping...

How do people live completely carefree lives? Not caring about how much they party, who they sleep with, what drugs they take, the job they have? These people don't cry when things don't work out for them. Some people say these people have hit rock bottom and have no one in their lives, but I don't believe that, I know there has to be a way to achieve this mindset.

The answer is They don't think about what happens the next day.

They are just in it for the thrill of the moment.


iiknow that's what its like, i'm trying to figure out how to get that mentality. and i would give anything to care for nothing and no one

A Prayer of Hope

A Prayer of Hope

Father, I struggle sometimes to recognize Your presence
As I go through life's struggles.
Yet, I know You have Your purpose for all things.
I am so short-sighted when it comes to this life thing.
But I know that You can see the future
And that You have a plan for my life,
A reason for all things I've endured in my life,
And that You can use it all for good.
It would be easy to become self-absorbed,
To be bitter toward You and all who've hurt me in my life.
Or I could use those struggles for Your good--
To live my life in service to You
By walking with the downtrodden,
Reaching out to those who are hurting
And offering them caring and understanding
That can only come from one who has also struggled,
Endured hurts, and found hope beyond challenging circumstances.
And I know that this life is but a moment in relation to eternity.
So, please heal all present and past hurts
And enable me to have a forgiving heart
So that when I stand before You in judgment,
You truly will in mercy forgive my imperfections--
Made possible through confession, repentance
And believing in the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ--
And You will say "Innocent," as I have dreamed that You would.
And that having devoted my life to uplifting others
Will have been worth it all
Just to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Then I will truly know that all I've endured in my life
Has served a purpose.
That You can work all things for good.
And there is peace and deep-seated joy
That can only come from the hope
That my struggles need not be in vain.
And that my ultimate future
Can be incredibly wonderful beyond words.
In this is my hope.
For this I devote my life.
And with You I entrust my future.
Amen.

Loss , Gloominess and Saddess

The Black dog came back to my life again .Nobody know this black dog .

From High , I am sink to the darkest despair.
From Relieved , I felt abit been hit down .

I felt like a failure .TOTALLY FAILURE.

SUDDENLY I dont want anything in my life.

Dun want friends because I dont want to be hurt.

dont want everything ......Yet I feel I am failure .

I wanted to say I face the fear saddness , In return of my friendship , I was repay insult and attacks of all kind .
I always believe in been true to one and things will work out well .But this world system doesnt work this way .

I think some people dont envy of what they had in life .While sometimes I wish I am her but I am not her.

Yet .... I think I am completely Loss once again ....

Sometimes i thought it is maybe better to ignorant and numb to everything.

Suddenly I crashed and I start to feast on food again.....I went to my room after the feasting and I cried. I suddenly think i dont want to live anymore. Just a thought .. a crazy thought ........but I mustnt let the dark dog eat me up...


What a failure I am.


It's In The Valleys I Grow

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!


--Author Unknown

It is Kind of relief ....

Today I was gloomy earlier in the morning after I did something. LATELY ,I had a nasty addiction of clicking on someone facebook account (Stalking, I think,OPPS .) before I start a day . Then I get a bit depressed after viewing it . I had funny thoughts of how to get onto one heart .Then I saw some thing and I feel gloomy. Then during lunch, I went for my comfort food , Amos cookies . Double Chocolate .After I took my lunch , I feast on cookies . Oh … I will be miss lonely …Miss lonely …wait …
But first ..maybe should I admit that I am in love? IN love?

What can I say about love ?Like most of you out there,I don’t know how to blog love with words
I think suddenly someone of the same dream and same wavelength of me came in my life. I was glad he was there when I became a destructive bomb ready to break down. I was glad that he emphasized my feeling. I was glad that he was there for me. We could click .He was shy boy . I was shy too.But I consider him as a man of my dream..
COOL ROCKER(BON JOVI)
He was cool music man . I love band ,like Bon Jovi (Always love you),Scopions , November Rain , and mentallic ,Sanata ,Linkin Park . You can imagine him itself strumming the cool hot tunes .He Rocks. And thus he got a lot of fans . I thought a lot .. I thought of him playing on a cool bar and I taking the night candlestick and swaying to the wonderful tune. Yah . I love music . then I dreamt of me been 4NONBLONDE singing beside him .Yah .I used to dream to be part of a band . (blame the Japanese animation (KON) ,Scandol(Korean Band Team) Me with gothic mental design ,motorcycle leather jacket and a gothic make up..Yah ..Fad dreamer I am. I love music. My dad sent me off to music school(Yamaha) to let me learn classical music but I never made it . I was too frightened by my piano teacher who slap on my finger and expect me to have a crawled finger to play the notes. I stopped learning piano at grade 2 , PSLE was a great excuse for me not to learn piano anymore. So now I had a white elephant at my home .But I still can play “ Right here waiting “. As I memorized the notes.
Great Photographer
I owe a good camera DSLR .But I don’t know how to use it . for a period I went Gaga . Running to sentosa and snap and snap .But I never know how to use appertune and lighting and … People saw me carrying that sophisfacted camera. I dreamt to oneday be a photographer , capture artistic pictures and then would express more of me through the pictures . But I only used the automatic function. But I love snapping pictures as a pictures speak thousand words.
Same God
We share the same God. We are baptized. To be honest , I left God for a long while because I wonder where he was . why he was afflicting me ? Why am I So afflicted ?Why don’t I meet someone which can signified the holy communion of Christ and church ?Why ?Why ? But then meeting him change my view, God had things which I may not .
We had the same goals . We could encourage each other to live healthier and happier. I really hope there were someone whom I could exercise together . I had no courage to ask him yet .I don’t want to make him freak out by my outgoing and thinking I am extrovent gal . Actually I am very introvent and frightened like hell inside me .
HIS SUNSHINE.
He is always filled with a ray of sunshine and happy lucky going . Looking at the way he treated his family and friends and how he could just click with them , all the funny pose he make with them That make me admire him more .Because I wanted to be like him , having friends , playing with my electric guitar , kissing my parents at a big couch . I came from a tradition family we never believe in that kinda of family love .I don’t know why I feel he must had a warm wonderful family. I came from a closed tradition family where my dad would question me if I go out . I never been to camp , I never get to blast the guitar because my dad would yell that I should learn classical music . I guess for many parts …So I admired him a lot .day by day more by more . Am I childish ?Forgive me. The way he love his family . I think it must be good to be one of his family member . The problem is me .Am I good enough to be that ?That always question to me!
There is a greek proverb that say you cant hide love or cough . It is true when u are in love , you cant hide it . However ,most of us are well trained in hiding our feeling . Although “I love you are the most beautiful words to ever said (or heard) ,Is those three words which most of us are most afraid to blurt out why? What are we afraid of rejection? Or afraid that other person will laugh in my face.Yah I freaking frightened that he will laugh in my face.
When it come to confessing love, I make excuses like it is too early , or it is too late , or it is not right time, I better wait . Well ,today I choose not the prefect time to confess my feeling . Speaking as a lady , I am very afraid to think as I am trying flirt with a man , as to confess my love before he does .Because when a man confesses his love , he seem romantic ,but when we lady do , we seem desperate .But I tell you it is kind of relief .

OH …I am bashing with fear , ashameful of what I said to him just now .But It is kind of relief ….

BANANA SPLIT - Swenson

 

After 1 week of terrible stress , I went to celebrate by indulging in swenson ice-cream.


And I cant stop my cure of taking ice-cream one I started it ..HELP ME someone

CAKE swenson -MANGO cake

 

IT iS MY DAD BIRTHDay!!

 

Well , Lately I am into SWENSON craze . I had been treating myself excuse to take ice-cream .
It is my dad birthday so we brought a cake to celebrate his birthday . It was mango ice-cream cake. Well , Pretending to filal and get to have feast .....

It was my dad birthday Yesterday

 

It was my dad birthday yesterday and we got a cake and do a small celebration . It is ice-cream cake from Swenson .And earlier

Carry me Home ....

Intensive pain …
I am very down lately .But I think I want to thank friend who brought me through like Louis , Serene, Smac and Lifang.

I find it hard to think right again .for sudden, I sat there , often with silent tears rolling my cheeks ,devastated ,this had returned , determined I was going to beat it . I had work hard to get back to this level , I deserved it and now I was at risk of losing it all . Sleep was elusive and I couldn’t think . Concentration is impossible. I couldn’t barely hear or understand what was infront of me.
I wanted someone to talk to me . So I msn my good friend , Serene and Lifang and others.

Lifang and Serene had been telling me many good things of me ,I appreciate 2 of best girlfriends.They give me hundred reason to be strong .But every good thing , I will counter it with my negativity .

I asked those who are good in whatever I am learning now ...And they (Jay and Smac)did help me .Smac even gave me the answer to questions ,But I become more and more panicky because I still catch no ball about the whole thing .What should I do tomorrow ..They are assesing me tomorrow .Louis told me some encouraging words But the funny thing is Nothing reassured me for long .I was too afraid of been criticized to make mistakes,I was too afraid that I dont understand what I was sent to do , and then I don't do well , and then all the anxiety and fear just crept over me. Suddenly I was too afraid losing a job I had worked hard for. But just because I fail , I lost a job ? I wonder if I am imaging too much.

A number of events trigger that black dog to return again .

I felt insulted when someone EMPHASIZED,”You were NOT the type for me , I prefer petite size type.” But HELLO , I didn’t asked to be wanted .

"Oh , I am glad that I was rejected . Now I am happily married with a baby . And you ended up a old fat HAG ."

....

I felt alone suddenly . Suddenly there I was , one of 5 people in a tiny room without windows whereby lecturer conducting lesson .I cant make out what had been thought . although I had some training in this . Silence reigned as we tapped at the computer key when the lecturer stop . The lecturer was teaching us .

I guess, My already struggling self-esteem eroded by events after events .

the news of the blogger who tried to kill herself end up IMH . Some remarks was made , I get sensitive and felt that they are targeting at me .

Yah ... I remember ,"Sometimes it is very sad that you are in unhelpful environment which would trigger much more problem . With people who are not empathy enough , make joy by hurting other .But that life , you had to fight it ."

I was determined to ignore all the other personality traits ,but the black dog of depression attacked aggressively . So I suddenly crashed . There were no warnings , no incident to set me off . I just began crying inconsolably silently .

The characters on the computer screen swim before me as I stare at them blankly through eyes blurred by a prism of tears – my fist is clenched around a soggy tissuse .

I continually leave my desk to avoid the concerned glance of other and lock myself in the toilet where I scrunch up on the floor and break down completely . My emotions screamed ,” I just cant do this anymore.”

While my brain hollered back .Don’t be stupid you are a wimp , you should be able to cope with this . Like a tennis volley , the self recrimination flew back and forth until my emotions dragged me into vortex of effectiveness. To others who know me, they think I am very proud aggro ant and lazy (because I am fat) to me , I am anguished , anxious , despairing .

The used to be friendly and warm personality of mine was brought down to insecure and fear ,or beening not wanted , feel uselss . There were no barriers to protect me from abrasive nature surrounding me.


But I was fortunate, though , I am surrounded by friends who posses attributes of compassion and empathy .

I click on things to distract me from this black dog .looking at lifes of other and found how active one will,looking at thier similing face , and people who leave encouraging message to me I feel like yelling ..U dont know me , U never seen me now . I AM FAT AND UGLY . Then I continue to click then I felt that my peers how one can live strongly nomatter what the storm are.


Happy similing faces , having hobby of one life , and ..yah ..these surfing of pictures of people make me feel slighty better. Surfing photo ,talking to them is a welcome distraction . I use it to pull me out of the malaise , a comforting distraction from what in my head .

The support and understanding I received from those who know of my condition is hearting and this is what has helped me most . And it was important part of my coping process to know the people aware of the roller coaster ride of that clinical depression can take me on . Not as a ploy to gain sympathy or as excuse not to carry out the requirement of my job ,but to give them an understanding of why there may be days when I am non communicative and quiet and don’t wish to engage in conversation .

It is important that they know the problem is mine not their.


Today SONG of the day .
http://youtu.be/2IFF9yu5i3k

Really Hope That someone will carry me home ONEDAY .....

Start burnt smell in office..GUILTY

I start a burning smell in my office.

Completely LOST

Lately there arent high in my life.
Not really knowing what really had meaning in my life.
God please grant me meaning in this life.

Letting go of old belief . negative memories and experience .

Lately , I lost my Transtlink card . I feel my life very demoralized I got very depressed by this friend of mine . Who asked me to go out , andas I was busy doing my household chores by the time I remember to reply back . I thought it would be too late . And that guy didn’t confirm with me and he quickly find another girl to go out with him and then just tell me that .Suddenly I found what was said is true . He only want to make a fool out of you . Sincere people doesn’t do such thing . At least that person should take the responsibility to call you up and confirm with you . Since such person doesn’t cherish you why do you give him that privilgle to even be your friend . Let go .

I felt that I had made a fool of myself . Been sincere doesn’t seem to work in this world.

And then after I llost mu transtlink card, fare the worst record for my marathon . I decided to hide in my cave for a while . The one I would like to forget , the one who betray the trust and the one who cause your heart to shut down . U believe you don’t deserve better. What I had to believe myself ? Did I believe I don’t deserve better? I had no right to ask for more? I am not loveable . I need to reliease all these old belief.

cake Making session

BAKING CAKES ARE ALWAYS FUN....