Thursday, February 24, 2011

Get well SOON ...


TODAY I was sick . My flu had gone full blown. SO I took a day off and send my company doctor . He said you had fighting a infection . Yah my nasal are blocked , I am having giddy spell .


But something kinda of surprise , I received a banquet of roses to wish me well.

Someone told me,"Isnt it romantic? Well , You are not a beauty ,but U sure got flowers from your secret admirer. You should be content ,accept the love .COmon gal ...blah blah blah ..."

I guess nobody really know me after all ...Sometimes I feel I am cold as steel ...is broken and as if I never heal ...

Well , Should I say,"Thanks for the rose ,the beautiful color of the red crimson petals which one tried to touch my cold cold heart . Thanks for effort .but nah It is not the question of accepting love as it come .but it is making sure he is the one and last .Maybe nobody believe in true love now. Yah . I feel no sense of why happiness can come to me. But I imagine oneday walking down in with my bridegroom in my wedding dress.

Someone tell me again,"No . Gal , U should thankful that someone love for for who u are . He didn’t want a beautiful lady , don’tm ind that u are suffering from depression . . . U should be happier and content .Use love to distract u from your doomday monster.hahahahah"

But the problem was when I couldn’t didn't love myself enough ,how am I to love others?I am trying hard to struggle and survive in this pool of destruction and pain. BTW ,I am living in the altas of my noonday demon . Nothing would cheer me up . Yesterday I got a big plan of taking ,furthering my studies ,but then all my parents came telling me . STOP BEEN AMBITIOUS . YAH … Guys , I really need something to distract me from my downward spiral , a reason to live on .

My parents don’t understand why I am in downward spiral .She think I am too free and thus I tend to think a lot and become wimpy and cries a lot . It is just when your life get run down . Sometimes U really feel it is cold as steel . And feel I am going to be broken that I never got to heal

I wanted something else noone know . I wanted a true love , I believe in true lasting love which bring happiness and joy to me and my partner.

Since I AM DOWN LATELY, I GO ON SHOPPING TO HEAL MYSELF .as usual WHEN I AM DISTURBED AND TROUBLED IN MY SOUL .
I brought a sketcher exercise slippery for me ,cost me 30 dollar , brought a few books( in relationship building) . I guess I need to know how to maintain relationship be the prefect woman for my future boyfriends . At least a book would keep my mind off the hopeless grim inside me.
Yesterday , S called . I was comforted and got a sense of excitement when he said he is doing IT too . and somore JAVA expert .He give a beautiful comment about me when I send him my company new year eve photo .He said I am beautiful . I felt hopeless swept over . I was thinking Thanks . I wanted to feel accepted and at least not most beautiful ,but sweet . I think my mum had always poison me saying how ugly I am ,and you know no-matter what my parents never believe in saying their daughter is beautiful .But she said I used to be very beautiful 2 year back , after I came back from Australia , I Balloon . Due to side effects of anti depressant . Don’t ask why I am so depressed. I think a lot , that a fact . I worry a lot . I feel a lot . That part of women .But for me I had more woman than others .That sensibility brought a lot of pain to myself and to others . That when the noonday monster slowly crept into me.
No I don’t accept you not because I am in deep depression . I don’t accept love till I know you are the one . And finding a true love is not easy . I don’t want to just hold on any buoy and love in this world sense. I hope to make my love last at least for a lifetime.
I went to volunteer for ASD . For dogs . I love DOGS . I love their eyes , how they can heal my soul .

I volunteer for kids, teaching kids too .But so far , I didnt have any assignment for this period .

So for my shopping spree ,
And then I brought COD LIVER OIL . it was known that COD liver oil mixed with DHA and OMEGA can help depressed person . As depressed people lack of Omega 3 .
So I just spend much on vitamins supplement again . I smuggled them home afraid my parents will make a fuss of it .
I think this month I exceed money buying BOOKS . Exercise Books( Galloway Marathon) and How to eat healthy ,…and a lot of books Over 300 . I know I went crazy when I go on spending spree .but Books would be at least good ,because I read them before my bedtime and then it knock me to sleep .
It taught me about supplements and exercise that will help me to slim down. I am obsessed with slimming back (wishing to be back where I used to be ) . able to be more confident.
I had gone into marathon racing . They said Running can keep depression and stress away . So I fighting it .It cost a lot to join marathon .But I think it will be well spent because when I go for marathon . I love it when a lot of people run together for a course (donation ) and you had a destination point for you to said you are done.
Last year , I overcome the longest was 12km .This year, I pushed myself to 21km . I am hoping for exercise buddy to appear in my life and we could train together.
But well , been solo is a blessing in jogging .
Thanks God for the beautiful roses you made …..
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